Too Much Information: Statistically Analyzing America

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Too Much Information.  The theme being revisited is "America"

The first time Too Much Information took on "America" our editrix shared a lot of information about her love for America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm right there with you Lauren, but I wanted to share a bit of information with our readers about our fellow Americans. I've dug up some statistics (from a very, very reliable and reputable source) and have create some pretty graphics to help you interpret these statistics. These statistics came from a geocities website -- that's right, I traveled back in time to 1997 to gather iformation for this post. So, be assured in the knowledge that everything you are about to read is accurate.

 

Hygiene
Americans are fat, but did you also know that they are gross? Fun and totally true fact -- 54.2% of Americans report that they ALWAYS wash their hands after using the toilet. That means a full 45.8% of Americans are leaving the bathroom without washing their hands. Let me repeat that, almost half of all Americans do NOT wash their hands.  That is a very large number. You know what that means? That means that half of you are sitting in front of your computer, rightfully disgusted, while the other half of you are just pretending to be grossed out because you know that you are one of those unclean masses. Handwashing is the most basic of illness and infection preventive measures, so wash your hands or the terrorists (E. Coli) have won. This site has some catchy tunes to help remind you to always was your hands.

Marital Relations
Let's get right to the good stuff, and address the age-old question (note that age-old means since 1993 when Indecent Proposal was released in theatres) as to whether someone would ever let their spouse sleep with a stranger if offered one million dollars. Apparently, 2 out of 3 Americans said that they would keep their spouse to themselves and pass up the million dollars. This leaves one third of the married population who said they would in fact take the money.  Here's a fun exercise: think of three married couples you know (for your own mental health, exclude your parents). Now try to guess which one of those couples would engage in a million dollar prostitution act.


Morality
Finally, I'd like to end with some stats about Americans attitudes towards God. We're pretty spiritual in this country -- a full 82% of us believe in the afterlife. Interestingly, 90% of also believe in "divine retribution." I say this is interesting because I'm pretty certain that 9 out of 10 people don't behave as if they believe in divine retribution. It is unfathomable that almost every person in America believes that a higher being is ready at any moment to smote the Earth and its inhabitants with fire and brimstone, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes and the like if said higher being was unhappy with humans. This is unfathomable because so many people are such raging douche bags. If most people were afraid that their actions would result in them getting struck by lightning, then I'm pretty certain most people would be a lot nicer. Have you ever driven in New York? The drivers on the Triboro bridge provide more than enough proof that this higher being stuff is all bull. As religious as America may be, we're still a bunch of jerks. Check out the bar graph to see all the things that your fellow Americans admit to doing. Warning, you may question humanity (either that, or the source for these statistics).

After taking a long, hard look at America, the only thing that comes to mind is... America, America this is you! (It's not me because I wash my hands after I pee).

The Mayor usually writes "E-Bathing," which runs on Thursday mornings. For more information click here To learn more about "Too Much Information," click here.

Comments

[D.C.]

Going back to an old O.O., I think the answer is "Yes. Charts are inherently funny."

Good job, Mayor!

[Lauren]

I would rather have someone propose to me over the phone than on a game show or Jumbo-tron . . . still, all three would get an automatic NO

[sally jesse]

I hear ya- when my ex-lover, S. Herringbone IV, proposed to me over the phone, I got loaded, drove to a shoe store, stole some shoes, then drove to his house and threw them at him.