Too Much Information: Fun Things to Do In Microsoft Office

Though Office Week on this blog has presented me with the perfect chance to finally  write my Public Internet Love Manifesto to John Krasinski, I made a last-minute decision to avoid posting any material that could later be used against me on trial for stalking charges.  Instead, a have prepared a short list of fun things you can do with the three most commonly used programs in Microsoft Office: Word, Excel, and Power Point.

1. See how long you can tolerate Text Effects

"Text Effects" are to Microsoft Word what the appendix is to the human body: completely useless, and usually only noticeable if they are causing you extreme grief.  This "fun" feature allows you to apply an animation to your text, presumably to entertain yourself as you type.  For example, if you choose the "shimmer" effect, your text will do this:

Just like that, blurring back and forth, until you have a seizure.

If you think you can stand it, try activating text effects for a day and see how long you can keep them on.  It's sort of like playing Chicken with yourself.  Or, covertly switch them on for your least favorite co-worker and watch the show.

How:

• Format > Font
• Click the "Text Effects" tab
• Choose from an array of seizure-inducing choices

2. Make painstaking grid art

In Excel, adjust your column and row sizes so that all of the cells on your spreadsheet are small squares, and then select groups of cells and use the "Fill" bucket to color them in and make a picture.  Below, for example, is my self-portrait:

That's just a basic example--more advanced (or bored) artists can experiment with smaller squares for much more intricate designs. 

3. Create shitty animations in Power Point

Power Point has all the tools you need to make your own little cartoon to entertain yourself and your cubemates.  Just treat each slide in your open presentation as if it were a page in a flip book, and use Autoshapes to set the scene.  When you're done, click through your presentation rapidly (or, for advanced users, adjust the timing settings) and enjoy--Pixar has nothing on you.

Here's my example, Autoshape Happy Face Has a Bad Day:

4. Make some AWESOME Word Art

You probably haven't used Word Art since you were putting the finishing touch on the title of your third grade book report, but GOOD NEWS: it hasn't changed.  Why would it have?  Microsoft achieved perfection in creating the original default Word Art style choices, each of which look like they were specifically designed to display the word "AWESOME!"  In all caps.  Exclamation point mandatory.

Try writing an entire report in Word Art, or just make badges for your coworkers to wear for the day.  You'd be amazed what a "Third Floor All-Star" name tag with a double arch and gradient shading can do to brighten up your office for the day.  (Or maybe you wouldn't be amazed--after all, it sure worked magic on your Babe Didrickson Biography Report cover page in 1994.)

How:
Insert > Picture > Word Art > Go Nuts

5. Finally reach infinity in Microsoft Excel

If you use Excel, you've probably noticed that if you press and hold the "down" arrow, you aren't just taken to the bottom of your sheet: new rows keep being automatically added.  I'll bet you've even experimented with it while bored, just holding "down" and seeing how far you can get.  Ultimately, you probably just concluded that Excel spreadsheets don't have a last row--they simply go on into infinity.

Well, they don't--there is a limit to the number of rows you can have in your spreadsheet, but it's a pretty high number.  To find it, use this shortcut: in any open spreadsheet, simply press "Ctrl" and the down arrow and you will be instantaneously transformed to the last row of the document.  Oooooooh.

Don't stop there!  Press "Ctrl" and the right arrow and you will also be taken to the final possible column of the spreadsheet--THE REMOTEST CELL POSSIBLE.  Aaaahhhh.

6. Use templates to humiliate your friends

All three programs have built-in templates that can serve as inspiration for endless fun.  For example, I have used Excel's "Spreadsheet Solutions" template for a Sales Invoice to prepare the document below, which I can now send to KELLYq (and "accidentally" CC: all of our friends) with the following message:

Kel, attached is an invoice for the week of July 8-14 for you to forward to your mother per our agreement that she is paying me to be your friend.  Can you make sure she gets this ASAP?

Also, please note that the price of "girls nite" has gone up for new fiscal year.

Thanks,

LAUREN

Encl: 1 "Freindvoice"

Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Mondays at noon.  Find out more here.

Comments

[Inactive account]

Wow, Text Effects must be Word's most useless feature (and that's saying something)

[Jerome]

Haha to that Kelly invoice thing.

[D.C.]

45 bucks per email response? For something that Lauren would pay up to 20 bucks each to do? You've been had, I'm calling the BBB.

[Phylan]

Shelly lets you bill for phone calls? I have to re-work our standing order.

[KELLYq]

my mom spells her name S-H-E-L-L-E-Y-q

also you all are jerks

except for you, mom, thanks for looking out for me

[laurenmc18]

Yeah the e-mail prices can get steep, but there's a lot of detail work that goes into comparing the cuteness of kittens.

[Miss Jill]

I had my Public Love Manifesto for John Krasinki all written up, ready for publishing, UNTIL I found out that he did a movie with Robin Williams. You can now see shreaded words of love in my trash can like, "I wouldn't have shut you down like Pam", and "When you look at the camera it's like you're looking at me".

Also, HI-larious information about Microsoft Office. It's a damn good thing I have no time at work to do such ridiculously fun/obnoxious things with my co-workers. However, I'm really liking the invoice idea...

[laurenmc18]

Haha Jill, that sounds like a promising manifesto (and very similar to what I would write).

[Sarah]

very boring yawwwwwwn