The Omniscient Omtubsman: Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

I said it when Tori missed Weddings week, and I'll say it again now that Justin missed the office week: I felt a vague sense of loss last week as one tubtributor forewent an opportunity to impregnate some really fertile ground. Last week, it was hard for the 'tubsman to wrap his head around office week without of resident office computer nerd putting in his two bytes (haha, lame pun alert). Anyhow, the mid-week news that Gorg-O had been driven underground nearly cleaned the slate but stilI I must say, I hope that in the next round of internet potato Justin Douglas chooses to weigh on the topic. (Incidentally, come back Gorg-O. We need your consistent commenting to keep us honest, just like Hanging with Mr. Cooper needed the credibility of creator Jeff Franklin (who worked on Full House) to bring the credibility necessary to have the show drag on for five excruciating seasons. Except that unlike Hanging with Mr. Cooper, this blog is good and Gorg-O did not create it.) At this point, I'm also going to announce that given the meandering, nonsensical way in which this column began, I'm going to cut the the chase.

Column of the Week

 

This week it came down to two columnists and it was a tight battle to the very end. First came the pleasant clarifications of Minnesota Expert. I had felt for a long time that Minnesota had been unfairly slandered in Jerome's war against Jim Ramstad. When the Minnesota expert cropped up as a defender of "the Cold State" I felt heartened by the fact that someone had stepped in on behalf of the state that brings us Lutefisk at holiday time and Minnesota nice all year round.  I thought it was a very gentlemanly gesture for Jerome to make his nation available to an opposing point of view on whether Minnesotans were uniformly lamewads. The O.O. takes notice of such gestures and factors them into his CoW figurings.

 

The other column that made this a race was a Tori's column, Read This Immediately! (I'll Probably Have To Delete It Soon).  Of all the tubtributors I have to salute Tori as the most willing to lay her personal and professional life on the line for what can only be described as the marginal benefit of potential Tub-fame.

 

What follows is an exemplary, but certainly not exhaustive, list of the ways in which Tori potentially violated the rules and expectations of her office in providing us, the grateful readers, with content:

 

1) She repeatedly describes circumstances in which she is not working while at work.

2) She repeatedly discusses her attempts to corrupt other members of her organization into not working.

3) She subverts the hierarchical power structure in her organization, thereby creating a sense of disorder and impairing productivity.

4) She utilizes her work computer to post pictures that are not appropriately viewed in a work setting.

5) She encourages her co-workers to do awful things. I can't be more specific for legal reasons, but she knows what she did!

6) She tries to lure her co-workers into lesbian trysts.

7) Ok, I don't have any facts to back up that last assertion, but come on, it's almost certainly true.

 

Many of these things tend to be hilarious, and I wholeheartedly endorse them. Given my nearly unbridedly enthusiasm for "the Tori way" and the fact that heretofore Tori has not won a CoW award, she should be a shoe-in, right? If you think that, you don't appreciate the objectivity of the Omniscient Omtubsman. Every week, the Omtubsman sits down with his metric scales and electron microscopes and pours over the previously week's columns, putting them through the proverbial ringer, crunching the numbers then recrunching them, as a measure of accuracy-assurance. What results is a highly scientific calculation of the chuckles per second variable, which then goes through a pasteurization process and results in the awarding of the CoW award. The week, the CoW will be the Minnesota Expert, with a CPS number of .4, which is nearly a historic high. Or, at least, that's what I thought it would be until it was revealed to me that the Minnesota Expert was not in fact the defender of "The Cold State" who cropped up in the comments, but instead an impostor masquerading as such Expert. For the record, Minnesota isn't even "The Cold State." It's "The North Star State." Also, contrary to the fake Minnesota Expert's assertion, it is in fact, full of lamewads.  Thank goodness KELLYq's father was able to escape at a young age.

 

Thus, by default, the CoW award goes to... Lauren!  Your column, Fun Things to Do In Microsoft Office, was the most creative, informative and funny non-disqualified column last week. Now that I know there is a limit to the cells in Microsoft Excel, my life goals have been accomplished. Plus, you brought in an unusual abundance of readers, which the O.O. always appreciates.

 

Congratulations, Ms. McMahon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, I guess some of you may have expected Tori's column to win, given two-way race discussed earlier. Well, if that was your expectation then I guess you're not familiar with the concept of lying, or at the very least intentionally misleading your readership in order to build false expectations. It's a lesson that has to be learned. Plus, I'm hoping that this inspires Tori to act out even more at work in order to earn what can only be described as a pittance of a nominal award.

 

 

 

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub. Furthermore, the O.O. never participates in the madness known as "Internet Potato."

Comments

[Minnesota Expert]

To use the Minnesota state expletive, "Aw, dishsoap!"

[Tori]

Good. I'm glad I lost. I don't need no pity win.

But dude, did you READ D.C.'s post? His CPS was like 74.

[Lauren]

WOOT, go me

[Phylan]

not in it, two thumbs down

[The Mayor]

I feel that I should get a handicapped CPS scale since I continue to post despite being trapped in my own personal teaching hell in Queens.

[The Bronx is Burning]

I thought you taught in The Bronx?

[The Mayor]

TBIB, I do teach in the Bronx. However, my teaching hell is centered in Queens where I've been forced to live for my training program.

[Prince Akeem]

Why are you insulting Queens -- I found my wife there!

[The Mayor]

Let me clarify further: I am living in a dormitory on a university campus in Queens, and it is this return to dorm life that has made an already stressful job even more stressful. The campus is in Jamaica, which is actually quite a lovely neighborhood, but the campus is pretty miserable. Also, the commute to and from school every day is pretty torturous (it involves an un-airconditioned school bus and the Triboro bridge).