Shiny Happy Caitlar D.C.: Going to the Chapel...

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Shiny Happy Caitlar D.C.  The themes being revisited are "Marriage" and "24."

Last time I wrote about marriage, I mentioned that two of my friends were getting married (not to each other).  For those of you keeping score at home, the last time I wrote about 24... I didn't. 

For one of my buddies, the wedding is this weekend, and in a little less than 24 hours I will be driving to the eastern shore of Maryland to ruin -- I mean attend -- this joyous occasion.  After the jump is my itinerary, hour by hour, of the big day.  I am EXCITED.  It's wedding season!

9:00 am:
Wake up, hungover, in crowded hotel room with the rest of the groomsmen. 
Find Alka-Seltzer morning relief tabs.  Drop them into a Bloody Mary.  Consume.
Think about breakfast. 

10:00 am:
Think twice about breakfast because that carbonated Bloody Mary was gross.  Why did I do that?
Fight all comers for first in the shower.  I called it last night, dudes.

11:00 am:
Skeet-shooting with groom's father-in-law-to-be.  We're trying to keep this as close to "Wedding Crashers" as possible.

12:00 pm: 
Hold a shotgun for the first time.  Marvel at how much it makes me feel like a real man.
Shoot skeet.  Awww skeet skeet. 

1:00 pm:
Jesus, that gun made me feel like Frodo holding the ring.  It's mine.  It's my precious. 
Find that fat guy who played Rudy to take it from me.
Eat something.

2:00 pm:
Set up for the wedding.
Start to get nervous because, hey, Luke, you're only 23 and getting married, you sure this is a good idea?
Kick self for not mentioning "Hey, Luke, you're only 23 and getting married, you sure this is a good idea?" months ago.
Make more "Awwwww skeet skeet" comments.

3:00 pm:
Take a cold shower because I got it first this morning, putting me last this time around.  Bad move.
Get into tuxedo.
Find a girl to button my cuffs.  No, Ryan, I don't want you to do it.  That's not cool.  Get away.

4:00 pm:
Have a vodka tonic, ya know, just to calm myself.
Have another because I'm thirsty.
Have another because everyone wants one more.
Have another because nobody else wants one more.

5:00 pm:
Get over to the wedding area.  Good thing it's outdoors.  In July.  On the waterfront.
Punch Brent in the arm for making an "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" comment.
Sweat through tuxedo.  Good thing it's rented.
Look franticly for a bathroom.
Bridesmaid checklist:  no, no, no, maybe, yes, no. 
Entertain thought, "Maybe I shouldn't be drunk for a wedding that I'm in."

6:00 pm:
First guests start to arrive.
Get out of sight so that me and Tom can have a small glass of whiskey.  You know, for luck.
Start to feel really excited.  Hey, better him than me.
Entertain thought, "Maybe I shouldn't be drunk for a wedding that I'm in, but oops, too late now, let's make the best of this."
Make more skeet jokes.  Marvel about how funny I am.

7:00 pm:
One last handshake to Luke, the groom.
Realize that the phrase "my buddy's wife" is now going to become part of my vernacular.
One more drink of whiskey.  You know, for luck. 
Wedding ceremony.
Keep a straight face throughout. 
Pinch leg through pocket to keep straight face and distract self from a serious urge to pee.
"Clark, were you crying?" 
Clark: "No."
(He totally was.)

8:00 pm:
Race to bathroom.  Race back to the greeting line.
Shake strangers' hands.
Ask my parents if anyone could tell that I was drunk up there.
Realize that I asked that loudly enough for bride's parents to hear.
Pose for pictures.
Pictures.
More pictures.

9:00 pm:
Enough with the pictures.
Isn't there a reception we have to get to?
I don't want to say "cheese."
LEAVE ME ALONE CAMERA MAN.
Reception.

10:00 pm
"It's electric.  Boogie woogie woogie."
Drink.
"Young man-- there's no need to be down."
Drink.
"A little bit softer now.  A little bit softer now."
Drink.
"Celllllllllllllebrate good times!"
Go to the bathroom during "I don't want to close my eyes.  I don't want to fall asleep..."
Thank self for not mentioning, "Hey, Luke, you're only 23 and getting married, you sure this is a good idea?" months ago.  This is awesome.

11:00 pm
Heckle the best man during his speech.
AWwww SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET.  yEAHHHHHH!
"I do NOT need to slow down.  Maybe YOU need to slow down.  MAybe YOU"Re just jealalous that i can have a good time whenver I want andyour'e MARRIED!"

12:00 am
"Whatdo you mean teh bar's closed??   I can see the beer rihgt there.  Just give me one more.  You wrok for me.  WHat do you care if i ahve one more.  Fine, whatevr i don't need you."

1:00 am
Revised bridesmaid checklist: yes, maybe, yes, hell yes, just did, maybe.
"Where is my room key?  I guess I don't have it.  Can I just stay in yours?"
I swear I've seen that work in a movie.  What gives?

2:00 am
One last drink in the room: a toast to a classy event that went off splendidly.
Vomit.

3:00 am- 9:00 am
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

[Caitlar doesn't use a footer, but I thought I'd take this opportunity to remind you that Shiny Happy Caitlar runs Thursday afternoons, and it's usually written by her.  D.C. usually writes Reasonable Doubt on Tuesday mornings.]

 

Comments

[Caitlar]

Well done D.C.! I love weddings and this was a very realistic depiction that makes me want to go to one now. Okay, friends, which two of your will get married so I can go to a wedding?

[andy]

you forgot to mention your memorable and jaw dropping dance with gail monahan

[Buddy Love]

Damn. That.Was.Awesome. If this doesn't win Post Of The Week, I'm boycotting. (Much like my brief boycott following the "no more LiLo" sentiment.)

[Lauren]

Man, ask KELLYq, nothing is funnier than saying "Skeet Skeet" a bunch when you're drunk.

[Tori]

So, was it precisely as you imagined it would be?

[D.C.]

It absolutely was except:

We didn't go skeet shooting because we didn't have time.
I actually wasn't all that drunk for the ceremony, despite having recently started -- and finished -- a bottle of wine.
They didn't play "Shout!" which almost makes me feel like it wasn't a real wedding.

[Tori]

Did the fact that you didn't go skeet shooting render it less funny when you yelled "Awwwww SKEET SKEET!" all night?