The Bathtub: Reasonable Doubt: My Mamma Told Me, You Better Shop Around

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Reasonable Doubt. The theme being revisited is "Mom's Choice."

So I have absolutely no experience with the law or law school. I mean, I did buy an LSAT book and carry it across Europe for two months, not even bothering to crack the spine...well worth the extra luggage weight. During my senior year of college pretty much everyone I knew took the LSAT. Recognizing their pain and anguish, I decided to take the GRE instead to pursue a Master's in something-not-law. So this fall I'll be moving to the Garden State to get myself a Master's degree. But my mom is not too happy about that. You see, I may be getting a great education, but it's sub par because its not in Maryland and I cannot live out of my childhood home to attend school and see my mom every day. I think most moms share my mother's sentiment. So the following is a list of mother-approved graduate education facilities. And it's not multiple choice.

Meet the Man/Woman of Your Mom's Dreams University

At this prestigious institution of higher learning, you will go on a date every night of the week with a suitable mate chosen by their compatibility with your mother and her side of the family. Each potential mate will be polite, kind and well-groomed with an acceptable religious background and an excellent family life. Optional course work in religious studies, wedding planning and accelerated nuclear dynamics.

The University of Focused Biological Study

Study biology alongside the deer and creatures while discussing the nutritional and environmental benefits of a compost pile. Examine the woodgrain in your deck and determine if your home is infested with termites. This program is beneficial to both you and your family--and the local homeowners' association. Not only are you raising the value of your home by providing constant upkeep and supervision, but your mom can always come visit you as you broaden your learning horizons. In fact, she won't even miss you once! Room and board included, but overnight guests of the opposite sex prohibited. Required internship with either a local landscaping company, the local pest exterminator, or a deer management professional, all within the confines of your backyard.

The Institute of Personal Medical Professionals

Something is always wrong, and now you will know how to make it all better! What good is a liberal arts degree when you can't diagnose your extended family's aches and pains? When Aunt Ida has a sore thingy around her left toe, instead of schlepping all the way to her doctor's office she can just give you a buzz and everything will be ok. Grandpa's about to go? Why pay for an expensive nursing home when he can literally have all the comforts of home in your professional care. All courses are taught by registered doctors and nurses and include a focus on geriatric medicines. A full-family medical history is required with application. Coursework will be molded to best fit your own family's inherited genes and diseases. The University does not take responsibility for every old relative moving in with you.

College of Law and Employment

Instead of worrying about getting a job throughout your three years of law school, this prestigious college will set you up with a job as soon as you enroll, based on your LSAT score, interview, and general good looks. Now your mom won't have to worry that you'll be $150,000 in debt with no job to show for it. Former students have been placed as paralegals in some of the best Latvian law firms, and one special graduate even received a seat on the United States Supreme Court where he continues to do nothing on the bench. Now you'll be able to breeze through law school without a worry on your brain.

Reasonable Doubt runs Tuesday mornings at 9:00 a.m., but Emily usually doesn't write it. If you want to read her blog again, then you'll have to come back Fridays at 9:00 a.m. But not this week. God, this is so confusing.