Men in Cages: With This Ring I Thee Give Shiny Things

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Men in Cages.  The theme being revisited is "Weddings."

Okay so here I am, Caitlar the Queen, charged with the task of writing Men in Cages this week from a feminist perspective. Now I’m pretty girly in the traditional sense—I enjoy gossip, shopping, kittens, cute things, etc—but I’m totally down with feminism (not that I’m saying traditional girliness and feminism are mutually exclusive, but feminism asks us to reevaluate traditional gender stereotypes, and I felt the need to address the stereotype that feminists are all butch, hanger-wielding lesbians). I totally dig female empowerment and equality in the home, workplace, media, etc. and I think we have a responsibility to not allow societal constructs to limit the paths we've chosen for ourselves. But there are a few traditions that, as a feminist, I should not be into because their histories are rooted in exploitation and dominance. One tradition I have a particular problem letting go of is the wedding.

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed about my wedding when the whole day would be about me and how pretty I looked and I how happy I was and I would get presents and boss people around and we would all get drunk and tell each other how much we loved one another. I've had all the details planned out too (although they change every 6 months or so). My college roommate and I even bought bridal magazines once and made poster-sized collages of what our weddings would look like. I know what time of year it will be (June), what designer will make my dress (Monique Lhuillier), what color the bridesmaid dresses will be (navy), what flowers they will carry (pansies), what flowers I will carry (orchids), what kind of cake we will serve (cupcakes). I could go on and on about the little details I silently plan in my head while on long car trips.

So yeah, this whole wedding thing has been important to me (in the most vain way, but what's wrong with wanting to be special?) for a very long time. But the more I read and think about weddings and all the traditions that are embedded in the ritual, the more I feel like as an educated and rational woman, I should not want to touch that hoopla with a ten foot poll.

Take engagement rings. This is one detail I haven't planned out entirely (cut, style, etc.) except for knowing that I want one. Come on! It's sparkly! I'd never really thought about why we give them except that that's just what happens when you get married; a man shows his eagerness to commit to a lifelong relationship by giving the woman a piece of jewelry that costs 3 month's salary (maybe 4 or 6 months, depending on who you ask). Read the history of engagement rings, however, and you will uncover what the engagement ring has really symbolized over centuries. One source  described how the ring symbolism began way back at Neanderthals who captured their brides and bound her ankles and wrists (her bindings were ring-shaped) until she submitted. The modern engagement ring was thought to have been started by Pope Innocent III in 1215 when he declared there should be a longer period between betrothal and marriage. The ring was, as you can imagine, a sort of contract between the two families; I'll buy your virginity and commit you to life-long servitude by giving you this shiny thing to put on your finger. Not surprisingly, the diamond engagement ring didn't really become the standard until DeBeers launched a massive campaign in the 1930's to get people to buy rings. The diamond industry's connection to the engagement ring continues today and in fact, not only do we need engagement rings now, we need anniversary rings, right-hand rings, mother's rings to really prove we love each other. Oh right, and I forgot to mention the people losing lives and arms over the rocks.

Engagement rings are not the only wedding practice whose origins lay far from what we imagine it symbolizes today. Some practices even mean what we think they do, but we just don't care. The father giving away the bride? Yes, he's literally giving his daughter to her husband as property. Some of the readings at traditional ceremonies? Woman, obey thy husband. The whole thing is wrought with objectifying women.

So how do I reconcile my want of a wedding with my knowledge of the stupid symbolism and history of the ritual and its components? Do I need to give up my dreams of a party and a ring if I am to continue to be an empowered female? Of course not. There are some that may say I shouldn't want any of it, that's it's all commercial and material and I've been brought up, like most women, to see her wedding as the pinnacle moment of her life, that getting married is the ultimate goal for a woman. But the truth is, I do want it. I don't view my wedding as my victory lap in the female race. But what's so wrong with wanting to celebrate the commitment I intend to make to my future husband, and him to me, in a slightly-over-the-top fashion?

And here's where my own definition of feminism comes into play. Feminism to me is a woman doing what she wants without socially imposed restriction. So why should I restrict myself from the material glory of a wedding if I want one? Sure, I'll change some things. I don't plan to get married in a church and have someone read those god awful passages. I'll probably have bridesmen and groomsmaids. Maybe I'll even give my husband an engagement ring or watch of his own. Let old symbolism be old symbolism. What's important is what the practices will mean to me. If I have a healthy relationship with my future husband, who undoubtedly will not see me as a piece of property, then I am going to partake in all the fun I want.

And, they make industrial diamonds now; same chemical properties of a diamond, not mined in Africa. And you can get them bigger for cheaper. Hey, if a girl likes shiny things, a girl likes shiny things. Even feminists.

Tori continues a much funnier Men In Cages next Friday afternoon. Caitlar writes Shiny Happy Caitlar on Thursday afternoons.

 

Comments

[Lauren]

Hmm, this was a good stab at feminism, Cait, but I think a little of your shiny and happy still leaked through. Damn you and your sunshine!

[Phylan]

Shit. I'm not supposed to consider you a piece of property?

[ness]

A) yeah that wast still really happy
b) 6 months salary, DEF
c) i want that dress
d) engagement tvs are apparently the wave of the present...
E) HmmMMMm ryan's comment has vast implications :)

[ness]

F) ...how the F did you manage to incorporate LL into this

....and by Ryan...i mean um someone else...who commented not here...idk shiz

[Alex Trebek]

No trivia quiz this week?

[psychic]

We know it's you Gorg-O! No one else asks questions such as that!

Fear not: the trivia quiz will arrive in just 66 minutes.

[Buddy Love]

"....I looked and I how happy I was and I would get presents and boss people around and..."

Is bossing people around part of most young girl's fantasies?

Nice work on including LiLo!

[Minnesota Expert]

I HAVE that dress!

[Caitlar]

I should have clarified that it's bossing people around AND them not being able to complain about it.

[Wisconsin Expert]

Minnesota Expert is a cross-dresser?

[Boston Expert]

You're both wicked queer.