Men in Cages: Read This Immediately! (I'll Probably Have To Delete It Soon)

“The Office” is a pretty big part of my life.  I feel closer with the characters on that show than I do with my own family.  Actually, that’s a lie.  But I do like the show a lot.  And sometimes, when a certain member of my family (one with a history of bird murder) proclaims that “The Office” is “the stupidest show on television,” I am ashamed to be related to him.  (That’s right, O.O.; I can forgive my dad for stomping a cockatiel to death, but not for the fact that he dislikes “The Office.”  Bring on the psychoanalysis.)

I should probably own up to the fact that I am not a long-time “Office” fan.  I didn’t jump on the bandwagon until long after everyone else did.  To be precise, I didn’t start watching until this March. 

Devoted “Men in Cages” readers will recall that March was a very special time for me.  I wasn't working and consequently had staggeringly large amounts of time at my disposal for watching television on DVD.  This time was initially devoted to “L Word” viewing, but once I got to Season 2: Disc 4, I had to move on to a new series.  (Why?  Because Disc 4 of “The L Word” Season 2 only has ONE episode on it.  And I’ll be damned if I’m paying $4.85 to rent 56 minutes of poorly-scripted lesbian melodrama.  I expect at least 224 minutes of crap for that price.)

Anyway, out went “The L Word” and in came “The Office.”  And what a glorious turn of events this was.  Since that fateful day, I have viewed every episode of “The Office” at least three times and happily proclaim the show to be the center of my television-on-DVD universe.  (Suck it “L Word”!  Or don’t; I hear you ladies aren’t so in to that . . . )

What makes the timing here so crucial is that my “Office” viewership commenced immediately before my office workership.  That is to say, my decision to take a job in an office was heavily influenced by the fact that I had just been exposed to the office world of Dunder Mifflin.  (To draw a parallel, imagine someone’s decision to become a lesbian being heavily influenced by a few episodes of “The L Word.”)  My first week at work, I was enormously disappointed by the fact that actual office life isn’t replete with basketball games, beach trips, and booze cruises.  (Just as actual lesbian life isn’t replete with Danas, Shanes, and Carmens.)

   

I tried to remain positive about office life, however.  Surely, I could make my office more like “The Office;” it was just going to take some work.  And work I did!  (Not on like, actual projects or anything.  Just on rendering life at Anonymous DC-Based Non-Profit more Dunder Mifflin-esque.)  A brief sampling of my efforts:

The Olympics

One of my favorite “Office” episodes involves the boss-man heading off to purchase a condo and his employees participating in an Office Olympics all day in his absence.  It is rare that all responsible parties are absent from my office simultaneously, so here at Anonymous DC-Based Non-Profit, we had to have our Olympics during the post-work hours.

Now, having an Olympics-themed party wasn’t actually my idea; it was the Mayor’s.  But when I saw that my co-workers were treating our Olympics like any other social event, I stepped up my game.  I sent out e-mails alerting the organization to the fact that my content area was going to dominate at the Olympics and designed us a content area flag.  Using only post-its and packaging materials, I constructed gold medals for members of my content area.  I even got my team to wear matching shirts for the big event.  (Regrettably, half my content area ended up having to work late and missed the majority of the Olympics, but I think we can overlook this minor snafu.  The event was still Office-o-riffic.)

The Boss' Birthday Party

The president of my company has very little in common with Michael Scott.  Nonetheless, I assumed she would still desire for her birthday to be met with massive hoopla.  So when the president's assistant e-mailed the organization letting us know that all we were doing for our dear leader's bday was eating a cake, I stormed into her office and demanded that she put me in charge of decorations.  I then set to creating a mammoth, neon "FIFTY AND FABULOUS" poster and to stringing old age jokes from the ceiling of our conference room.  We didn't go ice skating, nor did anyone almost get skin cancer, but I did get to decorate for two hours that I otherwise would have spent reading dry journal articles, so I'm going to call the day a success.

The Foot Injury

Really fabulous things happened at Dunder Mifflin the day that Michael accidentally cooked his foot on his George Foreman grill.  I decided to injure my foot in hopes that this would brighten the mood at my office.  Shockingly, I've come into the office wearing a huge-ass medical boot for the past two weeks and nothing fun has happened at all.  In spite of my injured state, no one has seen fit to drive me to and from the office (and consequently, no one has gotten a concussion in so doing).  Furthermore, HR did not feel it necessary to acquire a speaker on disabilities.  If I had known this would turn out so poorly, I never would have fallen down while hiking in the first place.

The Fire Drill

A few weeks ago, the fire alarm went off at work.  I don't know why; I can only assume it's because one of the summer interns accidentally set her lunch on fire in the toaster oven.  Anyway, we all had to evacuate the building for half an hour and stand around on the sidewalk.  Obviously I was PSYCHED.  I approached a group of my co-workers and suggested that we play a big game of "Who Would You Rather Do?"  This was met with shocked stares.  No one shared any secrets with me.  No one altered the words to a Billy Joel song in order to mock an intern.  Everyone just returned to bitching about how it was hot out.

Actually, wow . . . in looking over this list, it seems fairly clear to me that I am making no progress at all in turning my office into "The Office."  Mostly, I'm just making people think I'm a freak.  And you know, that really just makes me not want to work in an office anymore.  My whole reason for getting involved with office work was the hope that I might find someone whose office supplies I could put into JELL-O molds, but I gotta be honest with you - I'm not finding that person.  (And even if I did find that person, I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be cause for general merriment.  More than likely, it would be cause for me to have yet another unpleasant interaction with HR.)

So here's the new Office moment I'm going to try to re-enact in my real life:

The Gay Witch Hunt

In the first episode of the third season, Office accountant Oscar is called faggy by his boss.  (Incidentally, the only other time I have heard the term "faggy" employed is when my mom told my brother that he had "faggy" fingernails.  Nice, mom.)  This sets off a string of ridiculous events that eventually result in Oscar being offered three months paid vacation and a company car.  My hope is that I can inspire a similar anti-gay statement and then reap the benefits.  Of course, I won't allow myself to be bought off with just a vacation.  I'll quit and then sue my organization for trillions of dollars.  And then I'll never have to work in an office again.  And can return to making television-on-DVD the center of my life.

Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons.  You can read more about Tori here.

Comments

[B-Woll]

Not even a shout out for exposing you to the Office in the first place? I want my DVDs back! Stat!

[And I’ll be damned if I’m paying $4.85 to rent 56 minutes of poorly-scripted lesbian melodrama.]

Look into Netflix

[Tori]

1.) Brian Wolly is a god.
2.) So, actually, this weirdo Blockbuster employee who pays excessive attention to my purchasing confronted me one day about the fact that I'd been a loyal "L Word" renter and had stopped short of seeing every episode. I explained to her that I'd given the show up because I didn't want to pay for that one episode of season two (but clearly wasn't going to skip ahead to season three having never seen the finale of season two). Anyway, she informed me that if I joined some Blockbuster preferred member club, I could get one free old movie every time I rented a new release. So I got involved with this fabulous program and was able to get Disc 4 of Season 2 for FREE with my rental of some new gay movie. I then moved on to season three and was being held up from seeing season four because it was not yet out on DVD. BUT, iTunes just added season four so now I'm watching that and life is gooooood.

[D.C.]

"No one shared any secrets with me."

Could this have anything to do with the fact that you write everything about them here for me to read?

[Caitlar]

I like the plan to sue the non-profit for trillions of dollars.

[Tori]

Haha, D.C. So speaking of secrets at work, during a meeting I had this week, my supervisor (without apparent provocation) made a grand proclamation that the content of our meetings is "strictly confidential." She cautioned us not to "tell our friends" or "write on our blogs" about any office business. So for all of you who were disappointed that this week's post wasn't a hilarious glimpse into what grants Anonymous D.C.-Based Non-Profit is bidding on this year, my apologies.

[Jerome]

Well, you did just tell us something about what happened at your strictly confidential meeting . . . ie that your boss announced not to divulge what happens in strictly confidential meetings.

[Lish]

Wow, now you're definitely going to be fired...which means, party like a rockstar with me!!! And by party like a rockstar, I mean hike the AT...

[Naomi]

QUESTION: did you know that i am also an office-convert as of 2 months ago?
FACT: we should have some office parties when the season starts again.

[Tori]

QUESTION: Which bear is the best bear?