The Bathtub: Jerome's Trivia Quiz!: [Note to self, find song lyrics that relate to this week's theme]

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Emily's Trivia Quiz!. The theme being revisited is "All of them, suckas!!!" also known as "End of Semester Review."

Alright folks, listen up. Emily's a good quiz master and all, but quite frankly she's been too easy on all of you. Anyone remember that kids' book where the kids are mean to the nice teacher, so she wears a disguise and is real mean to the kids, and then she comes back and everyone likes her much better? Well, A) isn't that a poor strategy tantamout to psychological child abuse? And B) I'm going to be the bad teacher, to whip you all into shape, so you can start behaving in Emily's class again.

Below is a quiz on the entire semester of the Bathtub. See if you can pass my end-of-semester review, taking into account every freakin' topic of this past cycle. There is an answer key at the back of the book.

The Office: You are at your office water cooler discussing, of all things, last night's episode of "The Office." You and your work buddies are totally having a great time repeating Dwight's best lines and recounting the last wrinkle in the Jim-Pam-Karen love triangle, until one of your co-workers ruins it, by saying . . .

A) . . . (condescendingly) "Oh, the Office. Hmm. I don't really watch TV."
B) . . . "Blah blah blah Ugly Betty blah blah blah Grey's blah blah . . . "
C) . . . "Steve Carrell's pretty good in the Office, but its no Evan Almighty."
D) . . . "Guys . . . I think I'm gay."

Knut Hamsun's Nobel Prize Winning Novel, "The Growth of the Soil": What was the title of Knut Hamsun's non-Nobel Prize winning sequel?

A) . . . "Did I Say Growth of the Soil? I Meant Grass. The Growth of the Grass. That Makes More Sense. Soil Doesn't Grow."

B) . . . "I Currently Hate Lapps; I Will Soon Hate Jews."
C) . . . "10 Ways to Rub Your Nobel Prize Money All Over Your Body"
D) . . . "So, You Think You Can Dance?"

Bees: In 4th grade, when lining up to go back inside after recess, Mrs. Roth caught me talking in line and had me go wait by the fence to be disciplined. While waiting there, I was stung by, not a bee, but a . . .

A) . . . seriouxbee.
B) . . . wasp.
C) . . . one of those fake bees that don't actually sting you.
D) . . . jellyfish.

Marriage: Which of the following arguments against gay marriage makes the least sense? Fill in the sentence: "If we allow gays to marry . . . "

A) . . . "what's to stop a man from marrying a monkey, or a clock, or a sandwich?"
B) . . . "then easily-influenced heterosexual children will choose to be gay, despite the fact that they probably have strong sexual feelings for the opposite gender and do not have any desire for their same gender and would be averse to being discriminated against their whole life if they can avoid it."

C) . . . "the terrorists win! Oh wait, they're probably pretty anti-gay too."
D) . . . "then can they come over and redecorate my kitchen?"

Pets: The following is an awesome name for a dog.

A) . . . Rexorzz
B) . . . Sir Ruffington
C) . . . Hank
D) . . . Justin Doglass

24: The biggest perk about being 24 is
A) . . . you are finally old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes in Bahrain.
B) . . . at Thanksgiving, you will be the poorest one at the "adult table."
C) . . . your life is more on track than Coolio's was at the time, who was concerned about his life when he posed the question, "I'm 23 now but will I live to see 24" in the monster ballad (using that term loosely) "Gangsta's Paradise."

D) . . . continued reassurance that you will be part of the generation that remembers when Pluto was still a planet.

World Religions: Complete the following sentence. "Jim Ramstad's religion is . . . "
A) . . . Scientology.
B) . . . Christianity.
C) . . . Minnesotatry.
D) . . . irrelevant, because what man of religious convictions could possibly have so much hatred of our nation's zoos? Please call Congressman Ramstad's office at 202-225-2871 and ask, "Does your God know the extent to which you hate zoos?"

America: Do you love America?
A) . . . Yes.
B) . . . Oh God Yes.
C) . . . Yes, if you don't believe me watch me eat this apple pie as I light fireworks and watch NASCAR.
D) . . . I have sexual fantasies about Amerigo de Vespucci, for whom the great continent is named, for you see that is the only way in which I can express my hot passionate love for America.

Travel: Complete the following sentence. When traveling abroad, you should always carry _____________, because you never know when you'll need it.

A) . . . a license to practice medicine.
B) . . . a copy of "Celine Dion's Greatest Hits."
C) . . . non-indigenous florae and faunae, just to f with 'em.
D) . . . Herpes.

Behind the Scenes: The closest YOU ever got to being behind the scenes on anything was
A) . . . the time you were working at Foot Locker and got to close the store.
B) . . . stage crew for Joseph in 7th grade, when you peed on the coat.
C) . . . when you went on a field trip to Amish country and sold an Amish guy a toaster.
D) . . . when you had an out-of-body experience and God told you the meaning of life. Too bad you can't remember it, that would've been useful.

ANSWER KEY: For the Office, it is most annoying when people say they don't watch TV. What's wrong with those people?! Knut Hamsun, I'd assume he wrote that first book to become filthy rich, so clearly he wrote about rubbing money all over his body. Bees, I was stung by a wasp, and for the record it was actually some other kid who was talking to me, so the whole thing was bullshit. Marriage, really any of these statements are candidates for making the least sense. Pets, clearly anything having to do with royalty would win this category, so Sir Ruffington it is. 24, the Pluto answer, because nothing else is at all sweet about the other things. World Religions, the zoo-hating answer, Avniously. America, the more you can express your love the better, and the Amerigo de Vespucci one has gotta be the strongest. Travel, I like to bring around florae and faunae so I can both ruin foreigners crops and use latin words. Behind the Scenes, the answer is the Foot Locker one, since when you are 14 I can only imagine it is awesome to close the store.