E-Bathing: The Silent Horror of Hobson

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of E-Bathing. The theme being revisited is "Pets."

Internet potato has been kind to me - not only have I drawn the same day, I've more or less drawn the same topic. eBay isn't all that different from YouTube, except instead of posting their shit all over the place for the possibility of internet fame, eBayers do it for profit, which, frankly, is far more respectable. Still, eBay has more than its share of pathetic offerings, especially when you trawl a particularly creepy and obsessive subset of its contributions - those of the pet lovers.

Granted, Lauren has already e-bathed in the stagnant waters of pet products, but I can't help but feel there are some that she missed. First of all, who the hell would carry their dog around like this? For a cool Buy It Now of $16.95, you can earn the freaked-out stares of the passersby as you guarantee your horrified dog atrophied leg muscles and and an inevitable broken neck once you trip on the sidewalk. More importantly, it fits so snugly around your animal that, when he shits, only a small amount will spurt out onto your abdomen.

If you would rather transport your dog around the traditional way (i.e. it walking), there are still plenty of humiliating options, the most prominent of which being the angel wing leash, which is apparently available for a mere $0.99, the winning bid in this auction (don't worry, there are still plenty more available). Think of how jealous your friends will be when you can strut your widdle angel around in an outfit to match, especially after you've already told them, in between nervous ticks, about how awesome and human-like your twelve cats are. 

Not all of the things you inflict on your pet have to be strictly functional in nature, either. eBay's selection of pet clothing surpasses the already storied reputation of the most embarrassing dog sweaters. As I'm sure we're all aware, though, finding the right size for loveums is always an ordeal. Fortunately, one generous seller has done dog lovers everywhere the favor of creating a sizing chart for your dog's clothing. I'm not making this up, click the thumbnail on the right and be amazed. Note that you can compare doggie t-shirts and doggie hoodies to their human counterparts, because, and I'm only guessing here, this guy sells matching human-pet ensembles (oops, you're a serial killer!).

As I said, there is no shortage of gimmicky crap to shove your pet into, provided you've carefully perused the sizing chart. If your dog is the kind that only humps the finest and most hard-to-get smooth surfaces, you'll want this charming "playdog" affair. On the other hand, this might be more your dog's style. Yes, it lacks the subtlety of the "Ronaldog" soccer jersey or the side-splitting "Starbark's" shirt, but how can you top the interesting social situations created when people wonder whether you're advertising yourself or your dog.

Finally, once you've broken your dog with inane and embarrassing accessories to the point where it has hung itself with its own leash, eBay again offers tasteful burial solutions, for as low as sixty bucks. Godspeed Hobson, you were too good for this world.

E-Bathing runs on Thursday mornings.

Comments

[Phylan]

Christ, I didn't even get the usual Lauren pity comment this time.

[The Mayor]

I don't like letting other people write my column because it only shows my ineptitude. Good job finding crazy crap on Ebay phylan!

[Lauren]

"not only have I drawn the same day, I've more or less drawn the same topic"

Haha, when I saw that you were doing e-Bathing that was my first thought too. Way to slide seamlessly into the format here. And the title is great.

[Lauren]

OK the blank space above was supposed to say "end pity comment" with HTML brackets around it but apparently Typepad thought I was trying to include an actual HTML tag that it did not recognize and therefore just displayed a blank space.