E-Bathing: Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

Before I went on Ebay looking for funny office items, I was under the mistaken impression that many people more or less liked their jobs. At the very least I figured people weren't as depressed as the guys in Office Space. Then I went onto E-Bay and discovered that the office is generally a place where idealism dies, hope vanishes, and souls are ground down into nothing. Apparently the workplace is such a dim hole of despair that it requires decorations and toys to help people to maintain the delusion that their lives are meaningful and that their careers weren't horribly rushed mistakes made in the naivete of their youth. Yep, most people who work in offices are pretty miserable. Below, some items that can help get you (or your miserable coworker) through the day.

For the misanthropic idiot in your office: a screen door to their cubicle. This will not give you anymore privacy than the 4 shoddily constructed walls already surrounding the desk. What this will do, however, is most likely act as a sort of trap to catch cubicle bargers. If nothing else, it should be entertaining to watch people get caught up in a screen dooor.

For the obnoxiously, attention deficit-disordered cubicle monkey who purports to hate cubicle life but secretly loves every second of it: a toy replica of a cubicle office. Whoever owns this can either 1) set it up in their office at work and seem like a creep for having such an extensive and un-fun toy collection; or 2) set it up at home, thus allowing it to serve as a constant reminder of the drudgery of the office. Neither of these are acceptable options. Moreover, these toys are just Lego people made to look like Dilbert characters. I'm pretty certain there's a copyright infringement lawsuit somewhere in here...

For the quintessential paper-pushing, workaday, Drew Carey type: Dilbert cartoons. This is the Mayor's must have of the week. I've made it my must have because I feel that this book perfectly symbolizes the common "I hate my job" type. It's not too original, it's an obvious and safe choice, and it attempts to be subversive while maintaining squarely within the bounds of society. In short: it's the cubicle job of gifts for cubicle workers. Buy it, and you can enjoy it for years. This is because once you give it to a coworker it's likely to return to you many times over as it makes the full re-gifting circuit in your office.

The Mayor writes for the Bathtub every Thursday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Inactive account]

Why are you two days early? Why hasn't Lauren changed the name of your column yet? Why am I so engrossed by the Tub?

[The Real Tori]

And question # 3 is our winner!

[Gorg-O]

Now that I think about it, why do I ask all these questions? I should probably just assume that everything is OK instead of getting too worried about minor details. I'm sure everything will work out.

[Gorg-O]

I forgot to hyperlink my name last time like I usually do.

[Tori]

Wow. Dude. Are you alright? Like, seriously?

[Inactive account]

WTF is up with this hacking?

[Inactive account]

The comment system needs to be fixed to prevent these doppelgängers (7/17 @ 3:58).

[Gorg-O]

Well, actually, I think the comment system is fine as is.

[Inactive account]

I'm done commenting under this name, despite whatever 7/17 at 4:32 says.

[The Mayor]

Well Gorg-o, if that is really you:
1. I am two days early because it was convenient for Jerome and I to switch this week, though I apologize for not making that more explicit.
2. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I plan to continue writing Weekly Addresses here and there? I'm fine with it though.
3. Because it and we are more or less humorous and you are more or less bored.

[Lauren]

Mayor, I think this post was funny.

Sorry to change the subject, everybody.

[Jerome]

Sorry Gorg-O, I guess I should come clean. I was just messing with you, saying very un-Gorg-O-like things under a Guise-O. I did it because I need attention.

Please continue to post as Gorg-O, it would break everyone's heart if you didn't.

[sally jesse]

if that screen were opaque it could at least be used to look at port at work a little less obviously (except that it would be obvious that you were because why else would you have that up). I hope the screen is covered with a sticky substance to catch people that accidentally bump into it- that would be funny.

[sally jesse]

i mean was, not were. also- it is totally hilarious to see someone walk through a screen door- I saw someone run through one once and it was the best thing ever.