The Omnscient Omtubsman: Zany Aunt Tori Missed her Flight, and the Reception Just Wasn't the Same

Madam Mayor, may I have a brief word with you? Everyone else avert your eyes, I'll bold it when I'd like you to start reading again.

I'm the Omtubsman, goddammit! I'm supposed to be omniscient... it says so in my title. But this week you know what? I felt blindsided, dazed and confused, stuck in a world with no meaning and looking for love in all the wrong places. Oh wait, not that last one. But everything else is true. And why? Actually, the reason why isn't your fault at all, it's Tori's. What's the deal with Tori taking two weeks off, but still being around to comment? I felt like I should be privy to that type of information in advance. How come we didn't discuss that and it just kind of happened? As the person who sees Tori the most, Mayor, I put it on you to know about these things. Why didn't you tell me? Man, this gig's getting tougher by the week.

So, Madam Mayor, having straightened out your conduct, I feel that we should now discuss another matter more openly.

That is, I really really missed Tori's column this week. No, I'm not a Gerbs hater like Buddy Love. And I'm not a giant Tori groupie like Buddy Love, either. I'm more like a guy that thinks Gerbs could have been a lot funnier if he didn't half-ass his way through those 1.1 posts. So, why the hell did you miss Tori so much, O.O., you ask (you meaning the one guy still reading this post at the moment, sorry this one's a rambler)? In fact, don't I (meaning that one guy if he's made it past the last sentence) remember you ripping into Tori just a couple weeks back? Nope, that must have been KELLYq, the O.O. is always consistent.

Anyhow, I'm reaching a point with this, Mayor, I swear. Here goes: Tori would have had lots of really funny things to say about the marriage topic, I'm almost completely positive, and yet you chose it on a week where see was taking it off? There was some real fertile comedic ground that was just waiting to be impregnated by Tori's gigantic wit. To think about it boggles the mind in fact. Instead of getting the authoritative take on gay marriage from the top-rated lesbian columnist in the Tub, we had to suffer through Jerome's awkward musings on who he'd gay marry. (Actually, Jerome, your column was by far the most hilarious of the week. It nearly caused the O.O. to snarf up some coffee at work on Thursday morning. For the record, I think the O.O. would gay marry Sean Connery, if it were required.)

Moving on, I'd also like to say, although I'll join the chorus and say that E-bathing is a very witty title and I like the posts so far, I'm not totally sure I understand why you're abandoning the "the Mayor's weekly address" format at this point. I vaguely remember, and am too lazy to fact check, that you mentioned something about moving up to New York and teaching underprivileged kids and that draining your desire to kvetch about every peccadillo and perturbation. Fine, well, maybe if you're worried about being smited by a superior moral Being, I see your point. In fact, it is more than valid, and should generally be applied to anyone who lives even a half-way comfortable life.

But on the other hand, you are truly missing a golden opportunity to impregnate some really fertile ground. I mean, living in New York is like one royal pain in the ass all the time, and you, Madam Mayor, I guarantee will find gradations of annoyance never before catalogued. To give you a running start, I'll say that things are ridiculously expensive, the subway never runs on time, you can't walk around at night without seeing rats scurrying all about and you're never going to fight harder to live in a shit-hole of an apartment. Don't get me wrong, the O.O. loves the Big Apple, but nice it ain't and there's a world of money and fame in criticizing it (see, e.g., Jerry Seinfeld's career). So, let me go officially on the record as saying. Do a special feature rant once in a while. We all deserve it.

Column of the Week

Jerome, this is the second time I'm going to say that you'll always be a bridesmaid and never a bride. Maybe you can just chalk it up to bitterness that you didn't say you'd gay marry the O.O., but sorry, my friend, this week's CW goes to Caitlar.  Jerome's column had a lot of hilarity that you had to overcome, but I'm happy to say that your column really managed to make me forget the image of Jerome gay marrying Jim Ramstad.

I was most pleased by your efforts to expand the borders of the Tub by asking non-Internet-based people what they thought of, well, anything. Even though you've expressed a reluctance to try and win readership to the Tub, I count talking to real people as a step in that direction. There was something very refreshing about your column that I can't exactly put my finger on. I think it's while other tubtributors mentioned their personal experiences with marriage and tried to spin that into a larger pop culture phenomenon, you took that in reverse, and the resulting post seemed more authentic and engaging.

Congratulations.

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.

Comments

[Jerome]

While I also found Caitlar's column to be particularly good, I was disappointed that she neglected the zoo reform issue. Whose side is she on?

[Phylan]

Frankly I'm tired of this "If you're not with us, you're against us" rhetoric I always here from zoo reform advocates. I think it has a tendency to alienate zoo moderates, who might otherwise be persuaded to support zoo reform in the voting booth.

[Inactive account]

I am traumatized by the image of Tori's "gigantic wit" impregnating someone.

[Tori]

Tell me about that image. Like, what does it actually look like?

[Jerome]

Well Phylan, normally I'd take your comment seriously. However, I learned this week from Lauren's post that you apparently are only sticking up for Caitlar because you two are dating. You guys were connected with that pinkish purple line in that graphic.

Funny how you haven't said anything about zoo reform advocates until now!! Busted!

[the mayor]

iNSiDE JOKE ALERT: my favorite part of caitlar's post was the drunken emails it inspired.

[Caitlar]

Um yeah, again, sorry about that. Sometimes I turn into Shiny Happy Drunklar.

[Inactive account]

Sounds like Buddy Love and I are missing out!

[Jerome]

Shiny Happy Drunklar--I like that!

[Buddy Love]

Yea. No doubt. I miss out on so much...

Yea, I'm a Tori groupie. What can I say? I dig her writing. I also dig people who stay on topic and don't include inside jokes. I dig Gummi Bears, too. Those things are delicious.

[sally jesse]

yeah, what IS the deal with all the missed ops for impregnation? at this rate, the o.o.'s desire of creating the ultimate blogger through tub-eugenics will never be reached (don't worry, o.o., I read you Loud and Clear). Ah well, I liked Jerome's column the best, so I would at least make him 'maid of honor' or something.

[The Mayor]

In my defense, I have tried very hard to get Tori to spend time writing her weekly posts after she began working. I might also add that many tubtributors manage to write their posts despite being employed, but whatever. Also, O.O. did you ever consider for a moment that I made marriage the theme so as to entice Tori to post? That's not actually why I chose it, but, in retrospect, maybe it should have been.

[Lauren]

I definitely agree that the mayor should do a New York rant once in a while.