The Omniscient Omtubsman: The Gods Must be Crazy

Catholicism, Judaism, Atheism, Scientology, Robotheism, forcing your co-workers to drink some horrible concoction...  all forms of religious (or a-religious) expression covered in last week's version of the Bathtub. But not one of them describes the beliefs of the omniscient being that hovers over this sacred bathtub, blessing and damning all the puny columns that come before him. No, your humble Omtubsman (seer of all, knower of all, better than all) worships very differently. His place of worship is the desk beside his bed, where every Sunday he practices the holy ritual of visiting thebathtub.net and reading over all the columns he missed this last week.  Therein he finds the spiritual enlightenment that will get him through another arduous week. So, although I'm the omniscient one, I worship at feet of the mighty tubtributor, my Creator.

Alright, jerks, I'm making myself sick. Like any good polytheist, though, from week-to-week I have gods I enjoy and gods I'm not so fond of. That's the real beauty of polytheism -- you can sort of pick and choose without risking eternal damnation or what-have-you because even if you piss off one god, there's bound to be another who's got your back. This week, though, all the gods pleased me, and as a tribute to such pleasure, I'm going to liken the tub columnists to Roman gods.

Tori -- Diana, the Moon Goddess: Much like Diana, who was known as one earthy lady, our very own Tori has dabbled in the earthy arts. Although presumably Diana didn't give up being an earth goddess because there were some uncomfortable bathroom practices associated with loving the earth, we'll let Tori slide on that. Furthermore, Diana was the goddess of the hunt and is often pictured leading men on the hunt. Our Tori is somewhat similar in that she's charismatic leader, but rather than leading men on the hunt, she's more likely to lead the hunt against men, as her column name suggests.

Lauren -- Juno, Queen of the gods. Although Caitlar professes to be "the Queen" we around the blog (besides Phylan who damn well better call Caitlar the Queen lest it cause strife on the homefront) know that Lauren is the true Queen of the blog. Much like Juno, Lauren is responsible for the finances of our little empire. Basically this consists of paying $14.95 a month in typepad fees.

The Mayor -- Mars, God of War, protector of cattle. Well, I know that we have to bend genders a little bit here to make this work, but let me assure you that The Mayor is more warlike than any male tubtributor. For her new column entitled "E-Bathing" the Mayor declares war on stupid consumer items but in her old column, "The Mayor's Weekly Address," the Mayor declared war on the entire world. Further, no cattle have ever been harmed in the Mayor's presence, to my knowledge.

D.C. -- Jupiter, Ruler of the Gods. While not technically the ruler of anything, by virtue of being more schooled in the ways of the law than the other tubtributors, D.C. is poised to orchestrate a coup any day now make this Tub his own dominion. Also, much like Jupiter, he ritualistically slaughters calves (not in the Mayor's presence, of course) at the temple of his apartment.

Caitlar -- Venus, the Goddess of Love. She may not be the Queen, but she clearly loves everything, so this one was pretty obvious.

Justin Douglas -- Murtia, goddess of sloth. Again, we're going to have to bend genders just a bit, but with Justin Douglas most of the bending is done by him. Zing. In sum, this dude's lazy.

Jerome -- Pales, Strengthener of Cattle. While most kids in their elementary school were playing house and telling dirty limericks, the Mayor and Jerome made a pact to defend cattle. Keep up the good work, guys.

KELLYq -- Edusa, goddess of nourishment who guarded over children as they learned to eat solid foods. KELLYq, like Edusa, spends her days instructing children on various topics, some of which probably involve making sure they don't die choking on solid foods. On the other hand, in her free time she's acts more like Epona, making a habit of protecting horses, donkeys and mules. So, it's really a toss-up.

Phylan -- Mercury, the Messenger God. Just like Mercury, Phylan serves as a conduit between the YouTublic and the gods above. Sometimes, though, we he brings us news of, say, a giraffe giving birth (fourth video in this post), we think that we'd rather not have messenger at all.

Emily  -- Minerva, Goddess of Wisdom, Inventor of Music. While our very own EmGusk may not have actually invented the music of the mid-1990s, you'd think she did by her unbridled enthusiasm for it. But EmGusk isn't all about the dulcent music of the gods, she's also about trivia, again making her like the mischievous Minerva, who was known to go to all the Olympian public houses to trade knowledge for a special intoxicating nectar -- Hypnotiq.

Column of the Week

Heretofore the column of the week award has never been awarded to a tubtributor more than once, and this speaks well of the parity of quality columns bubbling up from our little Tub. But this week, the parity broke down, as one columnist will earn a second award before everyone has gotten their first. I know the haters out there will say that the Omtubsman's partial to this special columnist and that he doesn't fully appreciate the entire Tub community. Well, that's all true, and I will add to it that the O.O. also harbors grudges based on imagined sleights, so really some of you probably never will win CoW awards. Is the suspense killing you?

Actually, I'm sorry to do this, but Jerome again takes the cake this week with his fantastic column, "Who Will Be Religion's Sixth Man?" Jerome has mastered the "vs." format in the weeks A.T. (after Tub), and your omtubsman personally finds it hilarious. If this award goes toward encouraging Jerome to write more columns in this style, then I will have done a noble deed. If it doesn't then I will at least have made Justin Douglas feel somewhat inadequate. Either way, I'm a winner.

Congratulations, Jerome.

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.

Comments

[Phylan]

All I'm saying is, for the long, painful fall it has to take after being abruptly ejected through its mother's birth canal, the least we can do for the baby giraffe is pay it the respect of observing its unpleasant introduction to the world, so that we might appreciate it.

[KELLYq]

omg quote from wikipeedz:

In Roman mythology, Edusa was a goddess of nourishment who guarded over children as they learned to eat solid foods (weaning).

that's it. nothing else. Edusa suxxxxxosz!

[Tori]

Ha - my goddess is soo much better than yours, KELLYq. And wiki tells me that there is a branch of Wicca named for Diana that has "an exclusive focus on the feminine aspect of the Divine." Hott.

Ew, but I just learned that Diana was the goddess of chastity. Lame.

[EmGusk]

woohoo! wisdom!

[justin]

i don't even like sloths

[D.C.]

It's good to be the king.

[Lauren]

Note that me, D.C., and Emily together form the Capitoline Triad:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capitoline_Triad

However, it appears I was also married to D.C.? But we could both throw lightning bolts, so I don't see how the union could have been anything but happy.

Also, it could either be that all mythological characters have a bad side or that O.O. was intentionally backhanding us all (KELLYq as teat goddess? Tori as chastity woman?), but apparently I was "cruel and savage," and Jerome is an "obscure deity" who is "regarded as male by some sources and female by others."

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is who cares, let's have a toga party and dress up as our gods and goddesses. I'll bring the grapes.

[Jerome]

David Spade, that fat guy, and those pirates form the Capitol One triad.

(You know, cause of those "What's in your wallet" commercials?)

[D.C.]

Lauren, we're married, but technically you're also my sister, and also, I turn into human form and gets all sorts of mortal ass on the side.