The Bathtub: Reasonable Doubt: If You Ain't No Punk, Holla "We Want Prenup!"

In the last 5 months, two different friends have announced their engagements. I think I'm a bit too young to have to deal with any of that nonsense, but it makes them happy, I like dressing up, and plus, I'll get to show up and embarrass someone (i.e., me), so all I can do is say congratulations.

Sadly, statistics say I can also flip a coin to see which one of the two marriages will end in divorce. And recommend one of my bloodsucking cohorts to my friends to guide them through it.

Family law is the cesspool of all that is unholy and vile about law. You may think that personal injury lawyers, or this guy, are as low as the profession could sink, but you are dead wrong. Divorce is the quick ticket to hell. I should know; I'm getting a VIP pass thanks to dead baby jokes alone. People hire a lawyer to get the most that they can for themselves, but what they don't realize is that any lawyer working for you can work as hard as they can, lose, and still get paid in the shade for their hours. You could end up losing half (or more) before the piranhas get their share. I've been through a property class, so let me give you a bare bones run through of the laws regarding distribution of marital assets.

When you're married, you now have marital property. That means that property gets split when you do. There are two types of law: Common Law and Community Property.

Common Law States: Most states require an equitable distribution of property. Whatever a court thinks is fair, that's how it goes. This is where alimony comes in; the court sometimes decides it's fair to compensate efforts during the abysmal failure that was the marriage. Say I get married to a Hollywood starlet, of whom I can link a gratuitous and sexy high-resolution image, like Scarlett Johansson. I got married to her when she was just starting out, and I supported her real good during her formative years while she took acting classes. If a judge thinks I supported her career enough to nurture it along and help her earn those big movie paychecks, I can get some loot out of our extremely unlikely divorce, because that would be equitable. Otherwise, stupid sexy Scarlett would get to keep the lion's share of her earnings, and I would probably end up having to pay her some sort of penalty for requiring her to consort with the likes of me.

Community Property States: The minority view, but these states include Texas and California. Gold diggers, I recommend migration to a community property state. Anything that is earned by one spouse's efforts during the marriage becomes the property of both, and is subject to an equal split upon dissolution. Half. Say I get married to a talentless yet incredibly sexy starlet, of whom I can link a gratuitous and sexy image, like Ashlee Simpson. She's super rich before hand, so she'd get to keep that property separate and it would remain hers in the extremely unlike event of a divorce (this divorce is even less likely to happen than our marriage). But then say she makes like 10 gold records while I'm married to her, and then she starts screwing around with that nancy-boy Wilmer Valderrama, and I have to put that vapid screech owl out on the street. I would get half of what she earned (or half of whatever we bought with the earnings). Cha. Ching.

This is where prenups come in. Prenuptial agreements override state law regarding distribution of property. If Scarlett made me sign a contract saying that, should we divorce, she gets to keep everything she earns and kick me in the groin twice a month, it would probably be allowed. Maybe, though, just maybe, I could get her to sign a prenup that favored me.

You might be thinking, "How could a rich celebrity possibly lose more than half their money in a divorce settlement with a prenup involved?".

The answer: Michael Strahan is a dumb bitch.

He signed a prenup, yeah, but this had to be the worst prenup in the history of man (and the best prenup in the history of woman). Wifey got half of the assets plus 20% of his yearly income during the marriage, plus child support! From the NY Post: "Strahan must pay the $15.3 million and the extra child support even though his net worth is only about $22 million, according to court records." Strahan signed a prenup that increased his wife's settlement over what the law would have given her. This might make sense if his wife was rich, and he was not, I don't know, a professional athlete, but Jesus Christ this looks dumb.

My excellent legal advice to my two friends facing the aisle: Don't do it.

Kidding guys. Luke, good luck with Kristie and Mike, good luck with Adrian.

My real advice to my friends: Don't ever get rich. Matter of fact, if you can manage not to earn a single dime during the entire marriage, that would make things a whole lot simpler.

Short of that, listen to what Eddie Murphy (who, remember, swears a lot, if your workplace isn't into that) has to say about divorce settlements and his wife's half.

D.C. writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Tuesday mornings. You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.

9 Comments

I feel like a great wedding present for your friends would be to use crayons and construction paper to make them a coupon for "Free Legal Services in Case of Divorce," then be like, "I know you registered for a toaster, but think about it. By the time you get divorced, I will have probably finished law school, or will at least be about to. And even a half hour of my services will be worth more than a toaster!"

But make sure you've had all you want to drink from the open bar first, because you might get kicked out.

Posted by: Lauren | June 05, 2007 at 10:30 AM