E-Bathing:Plastic is forever

Fear not loyal Jerome readers, I am not usurping Jerome's column. I'm merely switching with him so that he can riff on marriage later this week. Right now, though, it's my turn.

Ahh marriage -- is there any better social institution? For the purposes of this post, I would argue that there is none, but don't hold me to that if next week's theme is religion. Marriage is pretty amazing, though. In addtion to the implicit threat of losing half of your money should you ever have sex with another person at any point for the next 65 years, there is also a collossal amount of stuff that needs to be purchased for a wedding. There's the dresses, the party favors, the flowers, the food, and all the presents for each of the many associated parties (engagmeent, bridal shower, and bachelorette). As an added capitalist bonus, almost every single piece of wedding crap can only be used once, and then after the day of the wedding it just becomes sentimental clutter that you wish you bring yourself to throw away. And you know what a bunch of one-time use crap means? E-bay mania!

First off, let's start with the obvious: E-bay is drowning in wedding dresses. These dresses are surprisingly nice considering most are being sold for $50, and considering most wedding dresses (including those not sold on Ebay)look like something that a 6 year old would have designed for a Cinderella barbie. If you had an extra $170 lying around, and a desire to look like a pink cupcake, you could buy this little number.

Now if you're reading this post because you're hoping that I'll finally show you some Precious Moments figurines as I had originally promised, you are in luck. Apparently, the eerily pale and childish faces of Precious Moments figurine have inspired multiple styles of cake toppers. If that doesn't satisfy your need for porcelain, check out this wedding party display. Every member of the wedding party -- from the priest to the mother of the bride -- looks like cartoon toddler. The best use of these little creepers, however, is definitely the Precious Moments garter. Just slip it on to your thigh, and let those big-eyed little buggers turn a sexy piece of lingerie into an unsettlingly placed piece of fabric. If you are looking at the picture of this garter and thinking "That's sooo adorable!" you should probably stop reading now because the pictures below are probably going to shock you.

With all the grandmas gone after that last line, let's get to the good stuff: plastic penis paraphenalia.  There are penis water bottles, truth or dare games, penis pens, penis veils, and my personal favorite, "pin the macho on the man" game.  All single women (or single gay men?) like a giant novelty penis. With that in mind, I'd like to present the Sgt. Pecker inflatable penis. Just look how much that woman on the box is enjoying that 3-foot long inflatable penis -- it's as if her last shift at the Waffle House was just a distant memory. Now, that's the kind of joy I'd like to share with a friend who's about to get married.

As much as I love Sgt. Pecker, it is not my buy of the week.  I will definitely be attending a wedding within the next few months, whereas I am unlikely to get married any time soon. That makes me automatically more interested in the crap that gets doled out to guests at a wedding rather than the items given to the bride. While some couples may prefer to go in a more tasteful route, sending their guests home with seed packets or candy, other couples have no qualms about giving away useless junk. Thanks for the candle in the wine glass -- by combining two potentially useful items you've created one completely worthless gift. And this boot-shaped bottle of bubbles? I'll cherish until I can find a trash can. The best wedding favor, and my buy of the week, are personalized two ounce shot glasses from Factory_21. For just $120, you can get 240 plastic shot glasses with your choice of witty puns printed on them. I agree with the seller's claim that your guests will thank you for such a creative gift that can be used over and over again. Shot glasses will allow your guests to remember your wedding every time they really need to get drunk. Got an alcoholic uncle? He'll love drowning his sorrow while remembering your wedding's open bar. And your guests will really love the gift. It will no doubt become their new favorite shot glass, edging out the shotglass that says "I'm not as drunk as you think I am" and the Jamaica shotglass with a marijuana leaf on it. And since it's made of plastic, you know it will be around forever, even if your marriage isn't.   

The Mayor usually writes for the Bathtub every Thursday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Tori]

Wow - the lines on those shot glasses are TERRIBLE. "I got smashed at Robert and Amanda's wedding" - yeah, I don't think grandma would find that too tasteful. "I helped J.R. and Sherry take a shot . . . at marriage" - well that hardly inspires confidence. Horrible.

Speaking of horrible captions on shot glasses, Mayor, I messed-up you think a classic line.

[D.C.]

I heart the new e-Bathing theme and heart the clever title even more.

[Tori]

Woot woot for the clever title!

[Inactive account]

I agree; I like the title. Lauren will have to update it on the right side of the site.

[the mayor]

Yes the title is quite clever -- thanks to Tori for coming up with it.

[Inactive account]

Her wit knows no bounds!

[KELLYq]

Mayor, when you get married I'm buying you these: http://www.shopinprivate.com/fununfortwo.html

[The mayor]

Awesome! I think that a pair of underwear that forces its wearers to smash together their genitalia uncomfortably would be a lot of fun. Now I shall begin an earnest quest to get engaged if only for the wedding present I know you will get me.

[sally jesse]

"Half the fun is getting into them?" That seems like the only mildly amusing part of that product. I do like how the people on the cover look like they might be conjoined twins, though- then regular cotton underwear for two is at least practical (if not "fun"!). Despite the hilariously sad woman on the dr. pecker box, most disturbing entry goes to that precious moments stuff. cute-baby-stuff x marriage/sex stuff never cute or comfortable ("aw- that toddler bride looks so cute in that white dress that symbolizes that she'll be a virgin until her wedding night. aw- those babies hanging from the lingerie on my wife's thigh are dressed like us!"). That being said: Check mate, Mayor! How bout a wedding in this number: http://www.uglydress.com/helkitweddre.html to this wedding http://www.flickr.com/photos/hellokittymuseum/9471055/ pretty much makes precious moments look sophisticated. splech. Well done, ms. Mayor.

[Vincent19240]

http://www.goodsite.com/19240/hlink It's a bad link

[Vincent12997]

http://www.goodsite.com/12997/hlink It's a bad link

[dyeraccotte]

Hello users from www.thebathtub.net !!! Help to me pls!
Fu**! Prompt me what codec I need?
In any way I can not look [url=http://paparazzidog.com/search.php?q=Britney+Spears&aff=278&saff=0]this clip[/url] (Britney :-) )
I use [url=http://nero-dvd-video-plug-in-download.mp34you.org]Nero PlugIn[/url] for burn CD-s. Only legal!

[jen]

where the heck can i get those shot glasses??? sooo cool!!!