One Nation Under Jerome: Who Will Be Religion's Sixth Man?

Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism--sure, they're legit religions alright.  They have tons of people following their tenets, often in the same area, which as you can imagine can only result in peaceful coexistence.  Yep, these 5 major religions are 5 good ones, that's for sure.

But as Phil Jackson or Larry Brown will tell you (those are NBA coaches for any female tubtributors other than Tori reading this post, and for Justin Douglas), any good team needs a 6th man, that they can go to in the clutch when their big dogs are running tired.  So other than the big 5, who is the next best? 

Well, I'm not sure.  But two strong candidates are a) scientology and b) just regular science.  Both of these aren't strictly religions by other definitions, but I think one might be able to fill-in for a major world religion in a pinch.

But which one, scientology or science?  Let's judge, based on 7 highly important and not arbitrary categories of comparison, below.

Round 1: Star-power. Science boasts top minds such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, and Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park. Scientology's most visible faces are of the likes of Tom Cruise, Kristi Alley, John Travolta, and Congressman Jim Ramstad (I-H8 ZOOS). Whether or not you are a fan of Cruise or Travolta, could you really see Bill Nye as the star of Mission Impossible 3? Advantage: Scientology.

Round 2: Brainwashing potential. This is actually a tricky one. I'm pretty interested to see how effective scientology is at brainwashing. For a while, a few of my friends and I were thinking that maybe we'd go and see if we could withstand the brainwashing, on the theory that we'd probably be able to withstand it, and if we couldn't, then we'd all be scientologists and we'd still be friends so it would all be ok. On the other hand, look at science: we've got generations to just accept the fact that a caterpillar forms a cocoon and turns into a butterfly, or that poison ivy makes you itchy, or that light can't escape from black holes. I mean, I'm sure these things are true, though I can't explain any of them--how's that for brainwashing? Advantage: Science, in a surprise upset.

Round 3: Controversy. Scientology's biggest controversy is the ongoing debate of whether or not it is a religion or a cult, whether its founder is really a genuine philosopher or some sort of malicious charlatan. Science's most current debate (for those of us only paying attention peripherally) is how to further humiliate Pluto, who has already had a really f-ing bad year. Advantage: Scientology.

Round 4: Music. Scientology's biggest name in music, other than South Park Chef Isaac Hayes, is Beck, and you can see the influence in his music. As Bathtub Commenter sally jesse pointed out when I mentioned I would gay-marry Beck, "When I saw him several years back he ended his show with 15 minutes of aliens and robots whipping him. I suppose it was a passion play, of sorts." Exactly. Science? The best it has been able to come up with is singing greeting cards. Advantage: Scientology.

Round 5: Not freaking out other people. Let's say you are going on a canoe trip and you learn that your canoe partner is a scientist. It wouldn't be a big deal, you might say something in conversation like, "I like science, for there have been many scientific advances over the years." If instead you learn your canoe partner is a scientologist, though, it could quite possibly freak you out, causing you to say something like "Tom Cruise, I did not know that you were such an avider canoer. Look over there!" And then you will swim away, possibly in alligator infested waters. Advantage: Science.

Round 6: Creator. Scientology was created by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard (who I wish would just change his name formally to "Elron" or "L-Ron", as they both seem like scientologist spellings of the names.) Science was created by God, 5000 years ago.  Both are powerful figures, but frankly God has more street cred.  Advantage: Science.

Round 7: Official webpage. www.scientology.org offers teasers about the religion, which make the casual observer (me) want to learn more. However, www.science.org offers no teasers at all about science, it is just a page advertising for computer forensics, with the resumes of two guys named Jason and Ted Coombs. Clearly the folks responsible for science at science.org need to focus on branching out a bit to geology, physics, biochemistry, etc, instead of just having 3 Google ads and artistic grayscale pictures of Internet cables.  Advantage: Scientology.

Winner:  By a score of 4-3, Scientology is narrowly a better religious path than science.  Which is a shame, frankly, because if Ted and Jason Coombs had worked on their website a little harder, I would be converting to diehard scientificism.  So, thanks a lot, Ted and Jason Coombs, you just lost a customer--this guy's going with Scientology for 6th man. 

Comments

[Minnesota expert]

Congressman Ramstad's biography states: "Jim and his wife Kathryn...are members of Wayzata Community Church." You can visit its web site here: http://www.wayzatacommunitychurch.org/

[Jerome]

Hmm, I'll have my people run some fact checking on that.

[Lauren]

Ex-squeeze me, but I know who Phil Jackson and Larry Brown are.

[Lauren]

Have your fact checkers check THAT fact too

[Jerome]

Dammit, that's the last time I have Rory and Tito fact check. You guys did a terrible job!

[zoos_suckballs]

oh, man...I didn't know that Beck is a scientologist. The Wayzata community church is a great place to worship...I've heard,... but nobody there can do the robot or even comes close to using words like "automatic bizzooty". I've got some thinking to do...

[Rhymes with thirsty]

And you spelled Kirstie Alley's name wrong

[D.C.]

I think Kirstie Alley's name rhymes with hungry.

[Jerome]

Ooh, well said. Take that, thirsty!

[sally jesse]

wee- I finally made it into a post! It's true, science is persuasive- probably because it relies on proof and sense as opposed to science fiction and whims of the bored super-rich; science makes itself way more approachable than scientology. A few years ago a friend and I took their online 'personality test' and they said we had to go to milwaukee and give them money to get the results. they should've thought of that when they designed that test to attract lazy college students who are bored and find scientology amusing. yeah right!

[sally jesse]

also- www.science.org sucks more than getting whipped by aliens, robots, and scientologists. jeers for those guys. cheers for jerome.

[Caitlar]

Hey! I might be an avid SATC fan, but I know my sports too! So ex-squeeze me Mr. Oversimplifying-Gender-Generalizer.

[KELLYq]

Well I sure as shit didn't know who those dudes were. Thanks Jerome!

[The mayor]

jason lee is also a scientologist.

[Jerome]

Yeah I just learned that!