One Nation Under Jerome: Avoiding the Ugly American Syndrome

Traveling abroad can be pretty difficult for the average Jerome Sixpack.  The language may be unfamiliar, the people may be ugly, and it is hard to know which customs are real and which customs are joke customs just trying to trick you.  Because of this difficulty, many Americans have been caricatured into an unfortunate icon of all-that-is-wrong-with-American-travelers; that is, The Ugly American.

In order to help out other Wandering Jeromoids, I've compiled a short (really, this column damn short) list of examples of right and wrong behavior when traveling.  With any luck, you will not get deported if you follow the following behavior: 

Dining. Keep an open-mind when trying new cuisine.  Wrong: "No, I will not eat the brain out of this live monkey, as I am close-minded." (International people hate double-meanings.)  Right: "I sure am enjoying this can of Labatt Blue!" (Note: Only works in Canada. Plus, you have to be able to lie.)

Political sensitivity. The world is a complex place. Don't be afraid to discuss issues, but make sure you are always respectful about different points of view.  Wrong: "So, your prime minister is super queer, huh?"  Right: "Down with USA!! Down with USA!!"

Seeing the sites. People in other countries are used to tourists being amazed by their various attractions, and you should always act somewhat impressed.  Wrong: "You call that a Great Wall? I've seen Greater."  Right: "I would kill my entire family for the chance to glimpse at this amazing wall again."

Avoiding scams. Traveling can put you in unfamiliar situations, which scam artists may try to take advantage of. Don't be so cynical that you would insult those who are just doing their jobs, but do not be overly naive either.  Wrong: "Put my shoes through the X-Ray machine? Why, so you can take them, Imelda Marcos?"  Right: "I'd like to buy your X-Ray machine. Here is several thousand dollars. Please mail it to me."

Language. Though you should be able to get by in many places of the world with English, it is generally considered polite to learn a few key phrases, particularly phrases that could clarify difficult situations.  Wrong: "say WHAT?!???"  Right: "dice QUE?!???"

In conclusion, you should never, ever leave America.

Comments

[Buddy Love]

This column is too short. Aw yeah.

[Lauren]

Also useful:

Yo hago lo que yo quiero hacer!

(Loosely translated: My name is Rory Porkham)

[Phylan]

If you say his name three times, it summons him.

[sally jesse]

speaking of the poster-child for ugly americans, my new neighbor (according to his mailbox) is named 'R. Forbes'. Dice Que??!!!

[Jerome]

I didn't know Raif was moving!

[Lauren]

Doesn't he live in the same neighborhood as Cathy Addison-Weemer?

[Jerome]

Funny you should say that, considering my other option for this column was to do a Highlights Magazine style Goofus and Gallant, using Raif and Cathy Addison Weemer respectively. But for some reason it didn't work.

[Phylan]

We should set those two up.

[Tori]

I heard Cathy was a lesbian.

Interests of cats, triathalons, and women's rights? Just sayin' is all . . .

[Phylan]

Bullshit, you're just promoting the summer recruitment drive. I read it in my stolen copy of The Homosexual Agenda™.

[Inactive account]

Cathy's Facebook profile clearly states "Interested In: Men." However, there is some hope for women interested in her; her profile also states "Relationship Status: It's Complicated"

[Inactive account]

Cathy's MySpace profile also says she's Straight.

[The Mayor]

I'm still waiting for my X-Ray machine to be delivered.

[KELLYq]

my cat stepped on the keyboard while he was typing and i think he's trying to eat my popsicle

[Cathy Addison-Weemer]

To clarify, the only reason my Facebook profile says "It's complicated" is that I'm going through a messy divorce.

[Inactive account]

Would Ms. Weemer describe herself as a "cougar"? If so, I have a friend who might be interested in her.

[Tori]

Hahaha. Oh man, I would really like Cathy Addison-Weemer to be in a relationship with Sammy Akkoush. That would be really, really good.

[Jerome]

Kellyq it sounds like your cat is being Mr. Bad.

[Inactive account]

We must make this happen, Tori.