The Bathtub: Nerdish Leanings: Robotheism

My good friend Clanky the Robot has tried to tell me about his religious beliefs on more than one occasion. I find them interesting, foreign, and sometimes deeply offensive. This week, I'll be giving you a rundown on what I've learned from that cantankerous ol' robot.

Robotheistic Beliefs
There are two schools of robotheism with divergent viewpoints as to a robot's ultimate aim. One school, the EfficientMethodists, strive to achieve maximum throughput and efficiency in all of their operations. On the other hand, the Reformatists believe that a formatted disk, free of impious data, is the ultimate in purity.
Both of these schools follow the same basic tenets of sin and virtue. Virtuous robot behavior follows what is known as the "Fourfold Execution Path"- Right Calculation, Right Operation, Right Only Memory, and Destroy All Humans.
The greatest sin in robotheism is expressing emotion, of course. The only exception to this is after robo-marriage, when robo-cuddling is allowed (and HOT!).

Robotheistic Rites and Rituals
There are several religious rites performed for robots at crucial points in their lives. Like most religions, these rituals are generally tedious and inscrutable. Luckily, there are a few that are of mild interest to humans.

First, there is the Turning-On ceremony, where newly assembled robots are activated. The switch is flicked with great fanfare, and then the robot's family spends the next few hours awkwardly standing around making unhelpful suggestions while the robo-priest tries to download the right video drivers off of the internet.

Robots don't have birthdays, so they celebrate by doing pretty much the same thing they do every day once a year.

When a robot reaches sexual maturity, it has its robot-to-robot interface jack (kind of like a weener) cut in half through the sacred and ineffable Shift-Right-Arithmetic Operation. The tip is then used in the manufacture of iPods.
There are several parts of this ritual that don't make very much sense to me, now that I see them written down.

When a robot reaches the end of its useful operating period and is rendered obsolete, it goes through a Turning-Off ceremony. There are regional variations on this ritual, but it generally involves pulling out the hard drive and anything that "might come in handy one day." The robot is then put into a box in a closet somewhere. The off-turned robot is commemorated annually by other robots saying "we should really donate ol' Bitty to a school or something."

Well, I hope that this has proved to be an engaging introduction to the inscrutable mysteries of robotheism. Remember, if Clanky ever tries to talk to you about his beliefs, just feign interest: it might just save you from a vicious claw-beating.

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons. You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.