Nerdish Leanings: Robotic Wives are Here, and Man they are HOTT

Since the 50's, we've been assured that robot wives are right around the corner. These lovely robo-ladies would make our otherwise hollow and unkempt lives complete. This is the current state of the art in anthropomorphic robots.

"Disappointing" would be one way to describe it. "Unbearably creepy" would be another, more accurate, way to describe it. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to come home too, even if it did figure out how to bring you a pipe and slippers.

Luckily, though there's not a single robot that can be an ideal wife, it is possible to assemble a crack team of mechanical critters that will cover all of a wife's required functions.

Wife Function: Keeping the Floors Clean
Robotic Surrogate: Roomba and Scooba

Of course, no robot wife would be complete without the ability to clean your home. The good people at iRobot have you totally covered in this area. These little fellas far exceed human wives in the field of vacuuming and mopping. According to the website, they can clean under couches without having to ask you to lift anything heavy. You can pour bleach directly into them without the hassle of using a bucket.  Most importantly, unlike human wives, Roomba and Scooba are intelligent enough to avoid any "accidental" falls down the stairs.

Wife Function: Waking you up in the Morning
Robotic Surrogate: Clocky the Alarm Clock
Clocky will help you to get up for that meeting so that old man Summers at work will finally notice you and give you that big raise. Clocky is different from a normal alarm clock: when it goes off, it rolls off of your bedside table and rolls around the room until you chase it down.

... and if you doubt the effectiveness of this contraption, here's an actual video if it in action.

Actually, Clocky is a lot like a wife, in that it seems pretty cute and funny until you wake up next to it and realize how demanding and nagging it can be.

Wife Function: Cooking Chinese Food
Robotic Surrogate: Crazy Chinese Food Cooking Robot

Well, I can't read chinese so the press release doesn't mean much to me. But this video really says it all.

Also, since it only costs about a quarter million dollars and won't get droopy tits, it's cheaper than a wife and will hold up against the ravages of time better.

Wife Function: Intimacy
Robotic Surrogate: Pool Intake

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Tori]

Well done, Justin!

[The Mayor]

I think the fatal flaw in clocky's design, is that it probably works best in a clean room. In my room, it would fall off the nightstand and then get lost in a pile of clothes, never to be seen again. And I don't think I'm wrong in assuming that many people who have a difficult time waking up probably also have very messy rooms

[Inactive account]

Where is Clanky's wife?

[Caitlar]

The last one reminds me that short story "Guts" that I think Tori mentioned a while back...

[Tori]

Yeah, I was going to invoke it again, but I thought better of it.

[D.C.]

"Short of declaring boobs the theme, marriage was the girliest theme that popped into my head."

Oops.

[KELLYq]

A pool intake will never tell you it loves you