Nerdish Leanings: You Can't Get Then From Now... or Can You?

Time travel has frequently been mis-characterized as difficult, if not impossible. It's actually remarkably easy to travel through time: you're doing it right now! The tricky part comes when you want to travel past-wards, or at a speed other than one second per second future-wards.

Luckily, you've got a few options for getting from point A to point B in time, and none of them are the bus. Next time that you're thinking about stealing some egghead's ideas from the distant future or nailing your grandma before it's technically incest, consult this handy guide to help you decide on your method of transportation.

Worm-holes
According to the Wikipedia, "In physics, a wormhole is a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime that is essentially a 'shortcut' through space and time." Wormholes are formed by either black holes or giant space-worms. I can never remember which.

Advantages

• Sounds "sciency."
• Demonstrates support for worms, an otherwise underrepresented family of life in the field of super-science.

Disadvantages

• Requires bulky and unflattering spacesuits.
• May contain giant space-worms.
• Will almost certainly end in a horrible death.

Overall Impression
This may be a good option for you if you like sounding like a know-it-all, or are a worm enthusiast. 

Drugs
Drugs enable their users to speed up or slow down the passage of time. Unfortunately, they also enable their users to lose their teeth, appear on COPS, and dance like an asshole.

Advantages

• Actually exists.
• Probably less dangerous then getting sucked into a black hole.

Disadvantages

• Jail-time (unless you're a media darling).
• May require interaction with hippies.
• Ideas you bring back "from the future" generally don't pan out too well in practice.
• Ruins families or something.

Overall Impression
If you can tolerate jam bands, or if your life isn't really worth living, maybe you should give drugs a shot!

Mysterious Red-Hot Electrical Storm
There have been a number of good science fiction stories and movies about time travel. NONE of them have had a mode of travel as bad-ass as in Terminator and T2 (and to a much, much, lesser extent, T3). For those of you that have not seen these films, check this out (as long as you're not somewhere where partial nudity is discouraged).
It is the only mode of time travel that I have found in my many hours of research that actually REQUIRES nudity (rather than merely encouraging it).

Disadvantages

• You have to be naked, for some reason.
• It is incredibly hot, and you are naked. So it's easy to burn your tender bits.
• Embarrassment may ensue upon arrival at your destination. Because you are naked.
• You might accidentally start a fire. And you will be far too naked to do anything about it.

Advantages

• Helps you fit in when traveling to eras that haven't yet embraced clothing.
• Good air circulation around the crotch!

Overall Impression
Whether you're a killer robot or just a fan of "nature" (specifically, the hairy, patchouli-scented variety of nature), this is a good fit for you.

That's all for this week. Remember, everybody: genital electrocution (SFW, amazingly) alone will not allow you to travel through time. If you shop around, I'm sure that you'll be able to find a mode of time travel that fits your budget and preferred level of nudity!

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Lauren]

OH JUSTIN FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY WE SHOULD HAVE HAD A TIME TRAVEL PARTY AND DRESSED UP LIKE OUR FAVORITE HISTORICAL ERA

DAMMMMIIIITT I wish I could go back in time and suggest that

[KELLYq]

OMG all that crap at earthworm digest is SO STUPID well done, JD for highlighting its existence

[sally jesse]

too bad I didn't read this before attempting to use erotic elecrostimulation to travel back in time and prevent T3 from being made. another bright side to nude time travel is not ruining your clothes w/ time travel goo a-la 'twelve monkeys' time travel rules. despite your anti-DeLorean-mentioning agenda, this column is both awesome and educational.

[Jerome]

Fortunately, I went back in time and was able to prevent T4 from being made. That movie was terrible, good thing it never existed.

[Buddy Love]

I agree with you, sally jesse.

Why does JD hate Michael J. Fox?

[justin]

I have nothing against michael j. fox. I just refuse to be a schill for that one-hit-wonder John De Lorean.

if he'd sacked up and left the wankel rotary engine in there, maybe i'd cut him some slack.