The Bathtub

Men in Cages: Tori's Travelogue - Day II

Just a brief update before I head off to Napa:

Yesterday, while puzzling over a map of the Bay Area's public transportation system, a small woman came to my assistance. 

"Where are you headed?" she asked of me.

"West Portal," I replied. 

The woman informed me that she too was headed for West Portal and graciously offered to assist me in getting to this far-away destination.  I was feeling spectacular about the interaction until the woman went on to inquire of me, "So what country are you from?"

Wow. 

You'd think I'd fit in pretty well in San Francisco, right?  I'm laid-back.  I'm gay.  I'm somehow able to resist the urge to don an "Alcatraz Escapee" t-shirt.  But no; I'm still an obvious tourist, so much so that people mistake me for a foreigner.  Absurd.

Men in Cages: Tori's Travelogue - Day I

When Emily announceed this week's theme, I thought to myself, "You know what, Tori?  It's up to you to be the Tubber who goes above and beyond and actually travels this week."  So I threw some shit in a suitcase, had my mom drop me off at the airport, and boarded a plane headed for the west coast.  (Lucky for me, I just happened to have actually purchased a ticket for this plane ride months ago.)

In truth, Travel week coincides with the week leading up to my friend Naomi's wedding, which I am out in San Francisco to attend.  While here, I will be providing you, my fare readers, with a daily travelogue entries, so get psyched - you've got a whole lotta Tori comin' your way.

Emily's Trivia Quiz: Steal their Soul in South Korea, Make Antarctica Cry Uncle

I love traveling.  I've been to many amazing places and seen lots of incredible sights.  But you don't want to hear about that.  Because, as much as I would love to, I cannot really quiz you on my life.  Regardless, as a child from Montgomery County, I spent most of my afternoons after elementary school at planned activities. Ballet on Tuesdays, Girl Scouts on Wednesdays and piano lessons on Fridays.  (I hope you're taking notes for that future quiz on me.)  But on Monday and Thursday?  Straight to the TV for some quality time with PBS.  That jet setting Carmen Sandiego had it right!  She got to spend all of her time traveling to exotic locales, meeting interesting V.I.L.E. henchmen with punnish names and taking the loot!  Plus, like none of those kids were fast enough to figure out where to put those flag thingies at the end of the game, which means she probably got away for yet another heist.  Now, instead of a lame geography quiz (which I would have totally LOVED), is a quiz on our favorite international crime ringleader.  Go get 'em gumshoes! 

Shiny Happy Caitlar: Here, There, and Everywhere

Okay so I'm going to have to keep you in suspense for a few hours until I can tell you all about my favorite destinations. Because right now I'm helping everyone else travel to the U.S.--legally. K Thanks Laterz.

YouTub: Interactive puns edition

One of the unfortunate realities of travel is that there are so many places just full of things that can kill you. I have a hint of nostalgia for the classic lion attack, but, granted, the standard we're working with here is "doesn't swim up your urethra and cause slow, painful death." I hate to put a damper on that guided safari to Tanzania that you had all planned out, but should you find yourself in an area with a sufficient abundance of their natural prey, you'll very possibly [reader: please insert the "cat-and-mouse game" pun of your choice].

British animal behaviorist Kevin Richardson seems to have overcome this [reader: reprise earlier pun with humorous variation] relationship with raw confidence and ability-not-to-shit-pants-osity. He's developed such a rapport with the lions that they treat him like one of their own, and, in fact, play with him like a pack of six foot, three hundred pound kittens.

Mayor's Weekly Address:A Trip to Jamaica via the F train

I have tried -- oh, how I've tried -- to stave off my urges to rail against the world. But the O.O. was right, and my recent move to New York City was bound to awaken the beast within sooner or later. It has been exactly 79 hours since I’ve arrived in the city, and mocking Precious Moments figurines no longer satisfies my anger. After the jump, I share the story of a recent (and unfortunately memorable) trip in the style of the more irascible Mayor’s Weekly Address.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: The Gods Must be Crazy

Catholicism, Judaism, Atheism, Scientology, Robotheism, forcing your co-workers to drink some horrible concoction...  all forms of religious (or a-religious) expression covered in last week's version of the Bathtub. But not one of them describes the beliefs of the omniscient being that hovers over this sacred bathtub, blessing and damning all the puny columns that come before him. No, your humble Omtubsman (seer of all, knower of all, better than all) worships very differently. His place of worship is the desk beside his bed, where every Sunday he practices the holy ritual of visiting thebathtub.net and reading over all the columns he missed this last week.  Therein he finds the spiritual enlightenment that will get him through another arduous week. So, although I'm the omniscient one, I worship at feet of the mighty tubtributor, my Creator.

KELLYq & a: Planning your Perfect Vacation

We can all remember a family vacation that was terrible. For some of us, we ended up in a hospital. For others, we wound up naked in a pile of goo in the future. Regardless, something about our trips made them lame and annoying. (Seriously, I hate that commercial it is ALWAYS on during Top Chef. What is it about that guy that makes me hate him so much? I don't know. The burger does look delicious, though.)
Today, you'll have an opportunity to plan a perfect vacation - going where you want, with who you want, doing what you want. It's up to you to plan it, write about it, and put your plan into action! As always, I'll grade you if you so desire. Everyone loves being evaluated every once in a while!

One Nation Under Jerome: Avoiding the Ugly American Syndrome

Traveling abroad can be pretty difficult for the average Jerome Sixpack.  The language may be unfamiliar, the people may be ugly, and it is hard to know which customs are real and which customs are joke customs just trying to trick you.  Because of this difficulty, many Americans have been caricatured into an unfortunate icon of all-that-is-wrong-with-American-travelers; that is, The Ugly American.

In order to help out other Wandering Jeromoids, I've compiled a short (really, this column damn short) list of examples of right and wrong behavior when traveling.  With any luck, you will not get deported if you follow the following behavior: 

Reasonable Doubt: Throwing Darts at a Map Might Be More Effective

While it seems that law school just released us for the summer, it's already time to start thinking about next summer.  Interviews for firms start in a couple of weeks, and we're already asked to think about where we want to work next year.  And where you work next year is usually where you work after law school.  And where you work after law school is usually where you stay for another five years or decade or rest of your life or so.  No pressure.

Firms from all over the country descend upon the school to try to woo the best students to come slave under their watch.  The firms are all but interchangeable (I've heard), so right now, the only thing there is to do is to choose a city.