Men in Cages: Doesn't Mention The Polar Bear Even Once

“Growth of the Soil” chronicles the life of Isak, a man who returns to nature and forges a life for himself in the wilderness.  The notion of living a bold, rustic life like Isak’s is appealing to many people.  These people imagine that "going back to nature" will grant them much fufillment.  They assume that escaping the hubub of modern civilization will bring them closer to truth and beauty.  They think that sleeping on the ground will be hella fun. 

They are wrong.

I know this because I am one of those people.  Or, perhaps more accurately stated, I was one of those people.  Much like Isak, I set off to the wilderness one day in hopes of altering my life for the better.  But my experience in the wilderness differed greatly from Isak's.

A brief sampling of the differences between Isak's experience in the wilderness and mine:

In the book, they buried babies.  In Patagonia, we buried poop.

• Anecdote from “Growth of the Soil”:
  Isak is married to a disfigured chick, Inger, who’s got a hare lip.  (That Isak really likes to rough it.)  Inger gives birth to a baby girl who also has a hare lip and she and Isak are all like, “WTF?!”  Inger ends up killing the baby and burying it (probably because she doesn’t want to deal with the inevitable “It’s all your fault that I’m ugly” tantrum that’s gonna happen when baby becomes a teenager).
• Anecdote from my travels through Patagonia:
  When you’re living in the wilderness, going # 2 is a big problem.  You can’t just do it wherever, whenever.  Taking a shit requires serious planning and preparation.  You have to find a spot far, far away from the water.  Then you have to whip out your ice axe and dig a hole at least ten inches deep.  Then you have to poo in that hole.  Then you have to fill the hole back in.  The whole proceeding can take like half an hour.  It sucks.  Especially when it’s snowing. 

In the book, neighbors were mean.  In Patagonia, neighbors were generally pretty nice.

• Anecdote from “Growth of the Soil”: 
  Isak’s neighbor, Oline, spies on Inger while she buries her dead baby.  Oline then goes and spreads the news that Inger’s a baby-killer.  Inger ends up getting carted off to jail.  Oline stays a bitch.
• Anecdote from my travels through Patagonia:
  We got a little lost and ended up on the property of a dude named Gaspar.  In horrifically broken Spanish, I offered Gaspar some maté and asked if we might set up camp on his yard.  He was down.  He didn’t care that we hadn’t bathed in three months or that we’d be shitting in his yard.  In fact, he was so happy to have us there, he immediately slaughtered a calf for us.

In the book, a guy gets stuck under a tree for a few days.  In Patagonia, we didn’t eat for a few days.

• Anecdote from “Growth of the Soil”:
  This guy Axel manages to get himself wedged under a falling tree.  He cries out for help and the only person within earshot is his father-in-law.  His father-in-law doesn’t give a shit and does nothing to help Axel.  Days later, Isak saves Axel.  Isak is pretty much the man.
• Anecdote from my travels through Patagonia:
  We thought we were very close to the spot where our new ration of food was stowed.  But then, we got caught in a blizzard and couldn’t move for four days.  And then, when we could move, we got really lost.  And then, when we weren’t lost, we had to hike through this thick muddy sludge substance.  Every step I took, I could feel my femur trying to detach from my pelvis.  It was completely absurd.  We were hiking for 12 hours a day with NO food.  People were going through their backpacks to find trash and then licking margarine wrappers for sustenance.  On the plus side, we didn’t have to worry about finding places to bury our crap for those couple days.

In the book, individualism and self-reliance were celebrated.  In Patagonia, it was all about the teamwork.

• Anecdote from “Growth of the Soil”:
  Isak does all sorts of things for himself.  He’s always felling trees and carrying logs and creating civilization.  He’s a manly man.
• Anecdote from my travels through Patagonia:
  I am not a manly man.  I am a weak little woman.  It wasn’t until I hiked through Patagonia that I really got in touch with this fact.  The thing is, men are stronger than women.  They’re better at walking across rivers and pulling themselves up mountains.  Certainly there are some women who are better than some men at these things, but it’s futile to ignore basic human biology; many of us womenfolk just aren’t particularly well-suited for strenuous mountain travel (especially womenfolk like me who devote the majority of their free time to eating donuts).  Basically, while in Patagonia, there was very little I could do for myself.  I was wholly reliant on others for my basic survival.  Fortunately, I was able to pass this off as "being a team player" . . . sort of.   

Now, I list these differences not in an attempt to show how much worse off I was than Isak.  To be honest, I would say my experience was probably better than his.  Having a wife with a hare lip and having trees fall on people?  That's pretty bad.  But somehow Knut manages to spin his tale in such a way that this all comes off as natural and beautiful and fufilling.  He works some magic and makes the atrocity that is wilderness living seem pure and good.  And that's a crock.

There were numerous other differences between my experience and Isak's, foremost among these being the fact that Isak remained living in the wilderness forever and I got the hell out of there in time to be home for Christmas.  I really missed sleeping in a bed and spending time with friends and getting to change my underwear on a somewhat regular basis.  Wilderness living wasn't as life-alteringly fabulous as Knut would make it sound.  Mostly, it was just dirty . . .

Which is why I must bring into question the selection of "Growth of the Soil" as the winner of the 1920 Nobel Prize for Literature.  This book is not a glorious work of art that improves life for all of humanity.  What it is is dangerous.  "Growth of the Soil" seeks to romanticize wilderness living when really, wilderness living is pretty craptastic.  I didn't even have to bury dead babies or deal with bitchy neighbors and I still thought it sucked most of the time.  Every year, this book probably tricks dozens of idealistic scalawags into going out and living in the middle of nowhere.  And I bet each and every one of those scalawags eventually says to himself, "Huh, ol' Knut made this sound so idyllic, but really, I'm sick of using rocks to wipe my ass.  I'm going home!" 

So yeah, I'm going to formally end Knut week here at the Tub by proclaiming that "Growth of the Soil" should have its Nobel Prize revoked.  I know that's a pretty controversial way to conclude a week that was supposed to be devoted to extolling the virtues of this celebrated book, but I can't in good faith praise a work that would seek to imply that it's fun to live in a world without toilet paper.  And I'm nothing if not controversial*. 

*So controversial, in fact, that I had my Lindsay-posting privileges revoked this week.  Too much Lindsay last week.  Too little Lindsay this week.  It all evens out in the end.

Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons.  You can read more about Tori here.

Comments

[The Mayor]

On the one hand your trip to patagonia sounds like an amazing experience. On the other hand it sounds like punishment for a crime. Wiping with rocks sounds so awful, it should be considered a form of torture.

[Inactive account]

More nudity?!

[Lauren]

Wait, this has nothing to do with that polar bear!