KELLYq & a: Giving Advice to Historical Figures

I have been giving you advice over the internet for TWELVE weeks now. That's approximately three months! This may seem like a long time to you, but in the grand scheme of things, I am but an insignificant speck in the twirling, swirling galaxy of advice-giving. To increase my clout in advice-giving circles, I decided to pull a publicity stunt. Through the mysterious powers of the internet, I held an advice-giving seminar where I gave some general advice to historical figures. Three of my main points were:
- Bringing a lunch from home will save you money.
- Try to look at the TV guide channel to see when your favorite shows are on.
- Using Listerine is pretty much just as good as flossing.
We did it at the Bethesda Marriott, where there are enough tubes to facilitate such an internet-gathering. Rather than give you the entire transcript, I took an idea from Jerome and just gave you the highlights from my q & A session. Read on for questions from three of the most important historical figures EVER.

George Washington asks, "Why doesn't anyone think I'm cool?"
KELLYq answers: Because history is lame. American history is boring, plus you had a dumb wig. Maybe that was cool in the 1600's or whatever, but these days, we like our politicians (like our ladiez) to have real hair, real fingernails, to have a real job, etc. Plus, all the stories about you are about you being honest and having wooden teeth and shit. Nerd! But never fear, George. The people who direct your old crib (it's what we call houses now!) are trying to make you seem cool by making life-size wax sculptures of you and telling everyone you were a sweet ballroom dancer. Personally, I think Brad Neely did a better job making you seem cool with this awesome video.

Right? I wish Mr. Vlasits had told me in 9th grade US History about your four nuts.

Samuel Gompers asks, "Don't I have a funny name?"
KELLYq asks: Wait, who are you?
Samuel Gompers explains, "I'm that guy, from the AFL or something. Something to do with Labor or Unions. Learning about me is not a valid use of your time."
KELLYq answers: Yes! That guy! From Mr. Vlasits' class! Yes, you do have a funny name, but I suggest that you spell it "Gomperxz" because X's and Z's seem more futuristic and are more fun to say. Also, your mustache is majestic, way better that William Howard Taft's.

Kingsley Kitten asks, "Am I not too cute for words? Will I be documented in the great vaults and card catalogs of history for my intense cuteness?"
KELLYq answers: Yes, but only if we can make an awesome Lolcat of you.
George Washington asks, "Can I help you make the Lolcat?"
KELLYq answers: Yes. Yes you can.
George Washington asks, "What is the Lolcat?"
Samuel Gomperxz exclaims, "I AM ALLERGIC TO KITTENS!"
KELLYq answers: So? I'm allergic to your face.
George Washington affirms, "Yeah, me too, assface. What now?"
KELLYq answers: What now, indeed.

"KELLYq & a" runs on Wednesday mornings. For more information, click here.

Comments

[Tori]

are you going to fry up your kitty and eat him? because that's not nice.

[Jerome]

This was funny. Gomperxz should write a guest-column.

[the mayor]

One time, I hung out with Gdubs for a week. He was a total loser -- and he helped me make 0 lolcats. I guess he's changed his ways.

[Inactive account]

Betty White agrees with Tori.

[Lauren]

Gomperxz really did give it 110% in the area of mustache-growing

[Betty White]

Don't presume to speak for me, Gorg-O. I am in fact staunchly in favor of kitteh konsumption.

[Jerome]

Staunchly?

[the dictionary]

Yes, Jerome, staunchly.
It is an adverb meaning "steadfast in loyalty or principle."

[typepad editor]

Oh man, I am so easily abused . . .

[Jerome]

Dammit! I said staunchy!! Stupid comment-editing.

[Betty White]

Hahaha Jerome. You tried to make me look like a fool and I made you look like a fool. Next time you'll know better than to mess with Betty!

[Betty White]

In actuality, given the fact that I am old, I would never be able to master something as technologically-complex as comment editing.

[D.C.]

Betty White reads our blog now? I'm in!!

Hi Betty, a/s/l wanna cyber?

[Betty White]

85/F/CA/no