Too Much Information: Spring Cleaning

As The Bathtub approaches its three-month anniversary, I have decided to indulge my editorial privilege a bit and step aside from the normal purpose of this column (vague as it already was) to perform a sort of quarterly review of the Tub's contributors.  Spring is, after all, a time of renewal and rejuvenation, and how better to renew and rejuvenate a group of people than by criticizing them?

Justin Douglas: Justin, my problem with you is not so much with the content you create as with how you label it.  You see, I'm starting to think the title "Nerdish Leanings" is deceptive.  Judging from your repeated computer science references, extensive knowledge of geeky hobbies, and the fact that you have a companion robot, I think it's fair to say that you don't just "lean" nerdish, you pretty much embody it in the fullest way possible.

D.C.: After this post, people who've never met you can surely understand why I at first found your decision to attend law school surprising.  However, I've now decided that your career choice may be partly a manifestation of that same phenomenon they say makes crazy people want to become psychiatrists.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on what made you choose law in a future column.  But only if they are funny.

Jerome: Jerome, while I share your affinity for root beer floats and empathize with your fear of Count Chocula, I think you've really been taking the easy way out the past few weeks.  You know exactly what I'm referring to, right?  A certain Zoo Reform Act that you introduced and then all but abandoned.  Now, I don't know if Ramstad's people got to you or if the pressure of being a public crusader was too much to handle, but I think you need to finish what you started and push the Zoo Reform Act until we see some results.  Schedule a telethon!  Make up some printable postcards to mail to Ramstad.  Do something!

KELLYq: As our advice columnist, I want you to start taking on some darker and more controversial topics.  You can do for our blog what Very Special Episodes did for countless '80s and mid-'90s TV shows: make it easier to mock.  No, seriously, what I mean is it will boost ratings.  Once you start dishing on drugs, drama, and the other big, sad D-words, our numbers will go through the roof--just like when Johnny Dakota came to Bayside High.

Tito J. Willoughby: Tito, I was worried about bringing both you and Rory into The Bathtub due to your unstable temperments and the fact that you both have a good 50 years on all the other contributors.  I was worried you two just wouldn't "fit."  However, your industry clout convinced me that you were worth a shot, and my decision to take you on has since proved to be a good one.  All I can really ask at this point is that you stop defacing my damn picture.

Rory Porkham: My request for you is simple and not even really blog-related: please stop parking your van outside my apartment building and staying there overnight.

The Mayor: Mayor, I have deep respect for your artistic integrity.  At the risk of being typecast as cynical and caustic, you rose to the challenge of being The Bathtub's resident ranter and have delighted us with your posts every week.  Much as we would all like to say that we feel like Caitlar most days, I think the truth is that there is a lot of Mayor in all of us.  Thank you for the important work you do in providing therapy sessions for our inner mayors.

Phylan: Your posts have a way of making me assess my faith in humanity in areas I had never considered before.  Everybody talks about how YouTube is enabling a revolution by enabling regular people to create and share content; they often neglect to mention, however, that 99.99% of it is crap.  Thank you for helping us remember that important fact.  Still, you tricked me into watching a giraffe give birth, so basically I hate you.

Caitlar: Your formula is perfect.  Don't change a thing. (I am obviously referring not to your writing style but to whatever combination of meds it is you are taking to make you so shiny and happy all of the time.)

Emily: A trivia question for our readers: What special challenge did Emily face in the early days of the blog that she has since triumphed over in a remarkable and noteworthy fashion?

A.) A fear of multiple-choice situations
B.) A drastically impaired ability to format posts
C.) Leg amputation

The answer, of course, is B.  Back in the beginning, Emily had a hard time learning how to put all the pictures in her posts and line everything up just right.  This problem led to a few frustrating Thursday-night phone calls (she's still a fan of the Phone-a-friend technique), but I am pleased to say that today she can format with the best of 'em. Congrats, Em, I am proud of you.

Tori: If a picture is worth a thousand words, then each of your posts are worth approximately 4.5 pictures.  (And that doesn't include the actual pictures you put in them.  It was just an analogy to make the point that your posts are extremely long.)  Anyway, I don't really have a problem with that and I know you've got no interest in changing it, so I will give you a suggestion that you could actually follow: apply to be in the Washington Post Magazine's Date Lab column and get set up with a date and then interviewed about it.  (This week's Date Lab can be read here if you're unfamiliar with it.)  I read it every week and I always think that sooner or later, since it's D.C.-based, someone I know has to pop up in it, but perhaps I need to be more proactive about this because so far nobody I know has been featured.  Your most recent column leads me to believe you are a good candidate for making this happen.

There you have it: for the writers of this blog, constructive criticism about your performances thus far to help you become better writers in the coming weeks; for the readers, a peek at the streams of leadership and editorial discretion that flow out of me like a river and make this here blog the success that it is.

Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Mondays at noon.  Find out more here.

Comments

[Tori]

My GOD that's a long form. It includes like THIRTY text boxes to fill in with information about yourself. And, as we all know, I can get a little carried away when it comes to filling in text boxes. So yeah, perhaps in three months or so, I'll have successfully applied to Date Lab.

[Tori]

Though I feel like I should probably apply under an assumed identity or something. Because who wants their grandmother reading about their dates?

[G. Oshel]

If I can appear in the Washington Post Magazine, you can appear in the Washington Post Magazine.

[Phylan]

Look, I warned you not to click unless you can swallow your own vomit and to be quite honest if you can't do that then it's time to reevaluate how far you can get in life.

[D.C.]

I enjoy Tori's 5000-word pieces because it gives me something to do all weekend.

[EmGusk]

i really wanted to apply for date lab just because i think it's fun and then i realized that a) i have a boyfriend and b) my parents read the washpomag religiously. and so do all their friends. so even though i reallllly want to do it (i heart filling out forms) i'm not going to. now.