One Nation Under Jerome: Silver SPRANK

As I understand it, there are exactly four things that happen in the spring: a) Animals you hate like bees have sex at an alarming rate, b) they finally stop toying with us and start to reveal some shit on LOST, c) Congressman Jim Ramstad organizes his annual "I Hate Zoos" March on Washington, and d) something about bird migration. But as a great man once said, "You know what else has the word 'spring' in it? Silver Spring--Jerome's hometown!!"

Well put, Rory. And sure enough, I wouldn't be able to write about this whole nation very well if I couldn't tell you about my hometown, now could I? After the jump, I'll show you how to put the "spring" in "Silver Spring."

PUTTING THE SPRING IN SILVER SPRING: A 6-STEP PROCESS

1) Get a map. These are available at map stores and mapperies everywhere. You'll notice that Silver Spring is a bustling town (ie a bunch of roads and stores) just to the north of DC. Its people have been known to bustle so vigorously that they will fall down the stairs. We previously thought it was something in the water.

2) Get your hair cut and your car washed, too. You may also consider looking like a star in your Armani suit. While this doesn't have much to do with putting the spring in Silver Spring, it is just generally good advice, stemming from the lyrics of Destiny's Child's "Jumpin' Jumpin'." Consequently, ladies should definitely plan to leave their respective men at home, and the fellas should seriously consider leaving their girls with their friends. After all, people in Silver Spring love that song, and generally respect those who emulate it to the best of their ability.

3) Bitch about traffic. Traffic in Silver Spring, just like the rest of the Washington metro DC area, is awful. If you are traveling to a friend's house, make sure you to comment upon arrival a) how long it took you to get there and b) how long it usually takes you to get there. For example, "I can't believe it took me 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to your house! It usually takes me 20 minutes." The irony, of course, is that it always takes you an 1 and 15 minutes, but do not point this out, lest you run the risk of neglecting to put the spring in Silver Spring.

4) Go to a crappy but enjoyable bar. My favorite bar in Silver Spring is called the Quarryhouse. It is kind of a misnomer, because I'm sure a quarry has more atmosphere, not to mention more respectable characters. But a quarry doesn't have $2 PBRs or tatertots with Old Bay. Though, I'll say, if they DO open a quarry in Silver Spring that has $2 PBRs and tatertots with Old Bay, then, well, F the Quarryhouse.

5) End up, for some reason, at the Tastee Diner. Again, "Tastee" is something of a misnomer, even with the misspellings. But this diner has been around since the 40s or something, and they literally moved the building a couple of blocks 5 years ago to preserve it for historical purposes (really), sorta like that episode of the Simpsons where they moved the entire city of Springfield five miles to the south or whatever. So the Tastee Diner is not great, but give it its respect; Prominent Maryland politicians are always eating there and signing pictures to be left at the Tastee Diner, often with comments such as "Your restaurant is an institution, so glad your business is prospering and serving this fine community! Loved the Extra Gravy Hobo Fries!"

6) Go home pretty early. I mean, c'mon, this is a bustling town, but it is not a frickin' slumber party. After a while there isn't much to do. You can only put so much spring in a town, particularly one that has already been sprung. Besides, the people of Silver Spring are industrious and have to get up early tomorrow, plus they have sorta had a cold anyway and aren't going to get to sleep in this weekend cause they have to go to a thing. So no reason to stay up until some crazy hour, especially considering that Red Lobster won't give you free biscuits after around 11 or so.

Comments

[Inactive account]

No D.C. today?

[Tori]

Silver Spring is the greatest town in the history of the world and this article does not do it justice. Silver Spring has, on one single street, a Chipotle, a Baja Fresh, a Coldstone Creamery, a Ben & Jerry's, AND a Fuddrucker's. What could be better than that? NOTHING could be better than that.

There is only one thing you need to do to put the Spring in Silver Spring and that is go to the pirate bar: www.piratztavern.com
That place makes the Quarryhouse look like a shitty piece of shit.

[laurenmc18]

While you're there, don't forget to behold the teeming masses of people in the movie theater, stare suspiciously at the Discovery Communications building, and not be able to have a conversation with your friends at Austin Grill due to the loud, bad music!

[laurenmc18]

Oh also there are some great lines in this post, Jeromez

[Inactive account]

Do you stare suspiciously at the Discovery building when there's a shark coming out of it, or all the time?

[laurenmc18]

All the time. I don't trust that building

[Tori]

Best to always excercise caution, Gorg-O. One never knows when a shark might be lurking!

(Okay, I guess one does know, because they publicize the hell out of shark week.)

[Inactive account]

Tori is right! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5D-qNPLuhc

[Jerome]

Ok but let's be serious guys Shark Week is awesome.

[Tori]

The pirate bar is awesomer. We should take a tub field trip there sometime soon . . .

[Caitlar]

Being that I a) am from Philadelphia and b) live in Virginia, I always confuse Bethesda and Silver Spring. Isn't there a Tastee diner in Bethesda?

[Inactive account]

Yes. (http://www.tasteediner.com/)

[Jerome]

Yes, but the Silver Spring one is historic.