Men in Cages: Tax Evasion

Taxes upset a lot of people, and rightly so, I guess.  Taxes are confusing and tedious and generally involve the government taking away your hard-earned benjamins.  But here’s the thing: my benjamins aren’t going anywhere this year.  In fact, not only is the government not taking away my money, they’re actually giving me money in the form of a fat refund check.  For this reason, I find it hard to hate on taxes. 

Sure, it still sucked to fill out my tax return, but, the way I see it, the government is awarding me hundreds of dollars for approximately 45 minutes of work and that’s an infinitely better hourly rate than I get at my job.  (Admittedly, I didn’t actually complete my taxes in 45 minutes.  The reality of the situation is that I spent an inordinate number of hours puzzling over my 1040 while I watched the entire second season of “The Office” on DVD.  But once I figured out what the hell I was doing, I thought to myself, “You know, if it weren’t for my tendency to get excessively involved in the lives of fictional characters, this totally could have been accomplished in under an hour.”)

But my inability to focus is not the focus of this post.  What is the focus is the mad money Uncle Sam's sending my way in just a few days.  Holla!  So excited am I about this dinero, I decided I would use a portion of it to make a fantastic, frivolous, feminist purchase:

I acquired a one-month membership at an online dating site.

I know what you’re thinking – Tori, that sounds really lame – but hear me out for a minute, okay?  The thing is, the world of online dating systematically favors clever wordsmiths.  In real life, I usually make a first impression by doing something horrendously awkward, like spilling bean dip all over myself.  In the online realm, however, I get to make a first impression by sending out witty e-mail that shows off my expansive vocabulary.  Given this fact, there exists zero possibility that I won’t become a total match.com mac daddy.  Woot.  (Okay, it probably still sounds pretty lame, but the last two women I have been interested in have dissed and dismissed me for reasons of “I’m married” and “I’m insanely Jewish (so much so that I’m not willing to have dinner with people who are not children of Israel)” and it’s time for me to move on and find a new pool of potential mates.)

So yeah, online dating it is.  And bravo to that!  You see, in theory, online dating is a wonderfully feminist enterprise: people get to know each other for who they are before they get all caught up in the physical.  It's all about hearing people's thoughts and feelings and finding them sexy long before you even get to check out their ta-tas.  But, as I said, that's in theory.  In practice, you really only bother reading the profiles of hot chicks and don't care what people have to say to you if they list themselves as being "heavyset."  As much as I tried to be a good feminist as I browsed through the match.com profiles (I even took the time to read what borderline-disfigured people had to say!), I could only deny my innate superficiality for so long.  It quickly became clear to me that I couldn't, in good conscience, initiate communication with people I'd eventually have to brutally reject for reasons of excessive uglitude.

It's not just the uglies that one has to watch out for on match.com though.  Given the fact that the online dating world is full of lame-os (you know, the sort of losers who have to resort to online dating because in real life they do socially awkward things like spill bean dip all over themselves), it's important to establish a rigorous selection process for potential matches.  Simply saying, "Oh, she's kinda cute" is insufficient and irresponsible.  Consequently, I have set up strict guidelines for who I will be willing to fratrenize with.  A match.com lez is worth my time if she meets all of the following constraints:

1.) The woman in question actually is a woman.  You would not believe how many men list themselves as “women seeking women” on match.com.  Presumably this is for purposes of luring in hot lesbian lovers . . . but c’mon, I can’t imagine that this strategy is ever successful.  I mean, really, what woman is going to say to herself, “Wow, I thought I was uninterested in the cock, but now that I know all about this guy's job as a ‘patent examiner for applications in hunting, fishing, trapping, and weaponry,’ I’ve gotta get me some of that!”?

2.) The woman in question has interests beyond “being a lesbian.”  I hate excessively stereotypical people.  Did they wake up one day and say, "Hey, I am devoid of personality.  I know!  I'll take on an alternative sexual identity label for purposes of seeming more interesting!"?  Though very few women will fess up to having gone through a process such as this, they are absolutely out there and it is important to eliminate them before I get stuck attending an Ani concert with someone incapable of conversing about anything besides Ani concerts.  Women who list hobbies such as “playing rugby” and “watching 'the L word'” are not bad people, per se, but when these are the ONLY interests listed, there is serious reason for concern.

3a.) The woman in question has impeccable spelling, grammar, punctuation, and usage.  I care a lot about proper English.  I honestly have trouble respecting people who write poorly.  Fortunately for me, the vast majority of match.com lesbians are exceptionally over-educated and are thus capable of communicating quite fluently.  But, of course, there are those ladies whose profiles contain statments such as "I LIKE TO READ AND WRITE. I ALSO LOVE TO CHILL HAVE FUN. I AM A VERY OPEN MINDED PERSON AND UNDERSTANDING. I LOVE MOVIES AND STAYING HOME, YET STILL LOVE OUT DOORS ESPECIALLY WATER."  Really, you love to write?  Because you should never write again.  You are eliminated.
3b.) The woman in question is not a complete idiot.  One might assume that rule 3a effectively eliminates all women devoid of intellect; however, while profile-browsing yesterday, I came upon a young lady, who, when asked to talk about her "last read," had the following to say: "The last real book I read was the last Harry Potter book, which was EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!"  Okay, so, though there is nothing wrong with that sentence linguistically, there is still A LOT wrong with that sentence.  I cannot allow this lowbrow and other women of her ilk to slip through the cracks simply because they have a vague familiarity with proper sentence structure.  Tori does not do stupid.

So yes, those are my rules and I'm stickin' to 'em.  I'm confident that by adhering to this simple framework, I'll have high-quality hoochie-mamas galore in just a few short weeks. 

Before I go, though, I thought you all might be interested in seeing how our favorite female fares when subjected to Tori's match.com selection process:

1.) The woman in question actually is a woman.  Lindsay passes this test with flying colors.  The girl most certainly has a vagina.  (And she's not about to let you forget it!)
2.) The woman in question has interests beyond "being a lesbian."  Lindsay is able to slide by on test two.  This site lists Lindsay’s interests as “reading, writing, swimming, sports, shopping, and spending times with her family.”  Those interests are absurdly generic, but they aren’t absurdly gay, so it's on to round three . . .
3a.) The woman in question has impeccable spelling, grammar, punctuation, and usage.  Well shit.  I guess Lindsay and I just aren't meant to be.

   

Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons.  You can read more about Tori here.

Comments

[JK Rowling]

Harry Potter is an extremely well-written book, one that is enjoyed by millions of adults and children the world over. You are a jerk.

[Caitlar]

Do you know that LiLo is actually rumored to currently be in a lesbian relationship with a dj?

[Inactive account]

This woman may be a good match for Tori: http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=24&RN=4&PI=1&TP=S&UID=7neyFspJv01M3wlMKaN%2fLA%3d%3d&Handle=Lizzy632&DO=0

[Inactive account]

I already linked to that news, Caitlar: http://www.thebathtub.net/the_bathtub/2007/04/a_tomfool_in_lo.html#comment-66718460

[Tori]

JK - I did not mean to imply that your book is crappy, simply that anyone who lists it as the last "real" book they read probably isn't involving herself with a lot of serious literature. (Also, excessive exclamation points suuuuck.)

Gorg-o - Lizzy632 does not appear to have gone to college and consequently is eliminated by rule 3b. (Also, I am a judgmental bitch.)

[Inactive account]

OK here are some more results which might be better matches
http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=24&RN=4&PI=11&TP=S&UID=kKek0JFYZm6gUNnDI5uHlw%3d%3d&Handle=sharchadash&DO=0
and
http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=24&RN=4&PI=12&TP=S&UID=KDr9sdLqNknteXWOlehzVg%3d%3d&Handle=cnewton3140&DO=0
and
http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=24&RN=4&PI=18&TP=S&UID=sPIoINiDFT6Dd1pBTBbLkw%3d%3d&Handle=LondonDC&DO=0
and
http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=24&RN=4&PI=28&TP=S&UID=gFYa2NXNWH8%3d&Handle=airinhippity&DO=0

[Tori]

Wow Gorgs, good thing I have you in my life. I'd have no idea who to be interested in otherwise :-).

Actually, three of those people are horrendous. I have, however, exchanged e-mails with one of them already. (Ooh, mystery . . . )

[Caitlar]

Sorry Gorg-O, I've been drunk most of the day (week).

[Phylan]

"Your just to dumb" was intentional, right?

[Tori]

Oh wow, I sure did make alot of mistakes their!

[the mayor]

I say go after smartee pants because she's got a nice face. maybe she's less dumb in person...

[the mayor]

except for, once you two are dating she'll read this entry and then realize how you've mocked her and will then dump you. so, best avoid smartee pants.

[Concerned Bathtub Reader]

Ummm....I know the girl in the first match.com profile, and even though she meets all your criteria, I'm going to recommend that you avoid her. Trust me on this one, I'm only looking out for your best interests and high standards.

[Tori]

For the record, the picture I attached to the name "SmarteePants" isn't actually of the girl who wrote terribly and in all caps. KAY_TEE_BAYBEE is the author of that delightful prose. The picture is of beautygirl234.

Beautygirl234 does indeed have a pretty face, but every aspect of her profile is horrifying:
FOR FUN: "I drink a little and watch tv. I also have sex."
ABOUT ME AND WHO I'M LOOKING FOR: "I love animals especialy dogs. At night i like to cool down and have a drink. During the day i can do anything from cooking to exercising. Just don't ask me to spell because i stink at spelling. I do not want and ugly girl so don't even try."

In response to the comments of Concerned Bathtub Reader, I'm not sure who you are referring to when you say "the girl in the first match.com profile," so uh, clarify. Do you mean sharchadash? Because she's totally not hot, so you don't need to worry about me getting involved with that. (She does have a really cool job though. I wonder if I could just e-mail her my resume . . . )