KELLYq & a: How to Procrastinate in Ten Easy Steps

One skill I have cultivated throughout my life is the skill of procrastination. I started early on, leaving elementary school science projects until last possible minute. The summer before 10th grade, I left reading the three novels assigned for summer reading until the week before school started. (Grapes of Wrath, Black Boy, and ... Brave New World? Or 1984. Same difference.) In college, I didn't start writing 5-page rhyming poem based on the Prologue to the Canterbury Tales until the night before it was due. (1,696 words, A+)
I worried that once I was an adult, my procrastinating skills would be unwelcome and burdensome. I worried that once I became a teacher and had to lecture my students against procrastination and teach them effective time management, that I would not be able to stand my own hypocrisy. However, I've since learned that being a teacher is mostly composed of telling your students not to do things (drinking, staying up late, watching trashy tv shows, and yes, procrastinating) and then doing them yourself. Unsurprisingly, I am able to apply my awesome procrastination skills to Tax Time as well.
With the help of my simple ten-step process, you too will be able to procrastinate on nearly any task!

How to Procrastinate in Ten Easy Steps by KELLYq

Step One: Make a list
This always helps you feel like your task is manageable, even when it's not. Adding time limits helps as well.
Step One Point Five: Put up clever away message / gchat status
This is to let everyone know how awesome and productive you are. The benefit here: people will distract you, which will prevent you from doing your work, like so:
Away Message from kellyQ2k2: Trying on procrastination for size, but it'll probably fit wrong or be itchy or ugly.
jdbathtub07: are you busy?
kellyQ2k2: YES I absolutely cannot talk, I have a blog post to write by tomorrow and i have to create a unit test for the outsiderz
jdbathtub07: k, i'll let u go
kellyQ2k2: NO DONT LEAVE ME I HATE WORK
Step Two: Clean Your Room
I can't figure out why, but as soon as I need to do something, I can't stand any sort of disorder around me. One way to tell for certain whether or not I have work to do is how many dishes are in the sink. If it's empty, I probably have at least 90 essays to grade.
Step Three: Caffeine
Dire neccessity. Bonus: you have to pee frequently, which provides additional distractions.
Step Four: Crying
This usually results from one of two things:
a) realizing that the amount of work I have to do is insurmountable
b) watching Stepmom on TNT while attempting productivity
Step Five: Watch Reality TV marathon
Having work to do makes any show more appealing. This started early on in my procrastination career. In seventh grade, I had a project to do on something medieval, like for some multi-disciplinary stupid project or something, and I had to do all this bogus research. I came home with a bunch of books (naturally, I went to the only library that is open on Sundays) and set myself up in my parents' room on the top floor of our house, away from any distractions. Unfortunately, I ended up watching the ENTIRE FIRST SEASON OF "ROAD RULES" instead of doing any work.
Since then, my standards for acceptable programs to watch in lieu of doing work have dropped considerably, and there is only one person to blame for this: Lauren McMahon. When rooming together in college, we watched many of the shameful, horrible shows on this list instead of doing actual work. And now I'm addicted.
Step Six: Panic
Like Step Four, but with more anxiety and momentum. May involve revision of list / creation of new one / possible emergency trip to CVS for presentation supplies. This trip outside your room will generally result in the purchase of items you didn't intend on purchasing, like more Diet Coke and Cheetos. This will be followed by regret at having wasted so much time not working on your project.
Step Seven: Delirium
Drink caffiene and eat Cheetos for extra burst of last-ditch energy and set to work. Whatever you end up writing / doing here will inevitably be rife with errors, so if you plan on turning this in (to a proffessor, your boss, or the IRS) be sure to revise carefully in the AM. Better yet, get someone else to.
Step Eight: Weaseling
This one will vary greatly depending on what, specifically, you are procrastinating. Typical routes for weaseling out of shit: e-mailing your professor and claiming some sort of family/medical/printer-related emergency, contacting that person you work with who's always at work and asking for help, making your class watch and complete a worksheet on Grammar Rock for the third time this year.
Step Eight Point Five: Taxes
Weaseling here means going down one of these avenues: calling your parents, consulting friend who has his shit together, shelling out money to get someone else to do it, applying for tax extension.
Step Nine: Bliss
Go back to Top Design Marathon, play with kitty, eat more Cheetos.
Step Ten: Denial
Repeat process when new deadline approaches.

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Comments

[the mayor]

Kellyq, my ten steps of procrastination are remarkably similar to yours except I don't cry at step 4. Rather, I spend a lot of time writing really long emails or perusing facebook. We also differ on steps 8 & 9. Rather than weasel at step 8, I resign myself to pulling an all-nighter. At step 9, my inability to think straight due to lack of sleep creates a false sense of invicibility which convinces me that all my work is great and that my success on the project is inevitable. Other than that, though, I procrastinate in the same way as you do -- real world/road rules challenge has played a large role in every paper I have written in the last 3 years.

[the mayor]

For the record, we had to read Brave New World during the summer between 9th and 10th grade. Also, the interdisciplinary project you were working on in 7th grade was most likely the Medieval town we had to build in our classroom using cardboard boxes. We also had to role play Medieval characters. I was the queen of my town for that project. Due to my awful study skills, I decided very early on that I would do zero research and instead just act mentally ill because of royal inbreeding. I did literally nothing for that project. I did very little for a lot of the projects we had to do in middle school. Remember the IDRP? I turned that paper in 2 months late. And remember the video project in 8th grade? That was also turned in 2 months late. Ahh middle school, how I hated you.

[Lauren]

Hahaha Mayor you just reminded me of how I got around a history project in high school where we had to "become" characters from a certain time period (I forget when) and praticipate in a debate as that character. I found this empress that was famous for having like a million kids and I dressed up in a long nightgown I found in my basement and brought in seven various Cabbage Patch kids and other dolls as my children. During the debate I just talked a lot about the dolls and made jokes about childbirth. I got a really bad grade.

[Jerome]

This was a really good post. Though I am also looking forward to the hot man-on-man action that will occur later today.

[Tori]

Ah yes, Lauren, I remember that project. I was Thomas Paine. I made myself approximately seven trillion notecards and came into school that day thinking I would dom-in-ate. But then I mostly just fumbled with my notecards a lot.

[the mayor]

In highschool I participated in a similar project, but I was Margaret Sanger. I had read a few chapters in various dubious books about Ms. Sanger that said she was pretty liberal sexually and a communist. So, I just said a lot of very radically liberal things and talked about sex -- my teacher was not impressed. I also seem to remember that Tito was in my same class, and that he had to take on the persona of Marcus Garvey. But I could be mistaken on this -- after all I think Tito was probably already half way through his stint at the Waffle House while I was in hs.

[alexis,right?]

Tori, I can't believe all you have to say about this is "I was Thomas Paine" when you are the master of the "I deserve a one hour extension per word I write. And then get an A." Incidentally, it's easier to get things done when you write a thesis about Lindsey Lohan.

[Tori]

Okay, since Alexis feels it's sooo important for me publicly fess up to this:

I'm Tori and I'm a procrastinator.

During the first semester of my senior year of college, I had three term papers due.
One of these papers was handed in exactly one day late. (A+)
One of these papers was handed in exactly one week late. (A-)
One of these papers was handed in exactly one month late. (A: "probably the best-written paper this semester")

Alexis and I took a course together second semester senior year for which I did not hand in a single homework assignment. That's right, not one. I did complete both of the papers assigned for that class, however, neither of which was handed in on time. I asked for an extension on the first one (A) and I just informed the professor that I would not be handing the second one in on time (A). Also, Alexis insisted on driving us to that class even though it was all of 0.25 miles away from where we lived. So every Tuesday and Thursday, we would park illegally and then saunter into class eating creamsicles. Then our professor would yell at me for doing crossword puzzles while she was professing. Then Alexis and I would exchange notes about how stupid everyone else in that class was.

Oh and Alexis, you obviously did a shitty job with your thesis if you don't even know how to spell Linds' name correctly.

[KELLYq]

Tori, if you and "Alexis" were in MY class, I'd have you a) in lunch detention b) write a paragraph about why you're bad people c) bring me creamsicles every time you come to my class eating them