Emgusk and I have a lot in common, probably. She went to Maryland, and I went to Maryland. She has appeared on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, and I Want To Be a Millionaire. And so on. But one thing she and I disagree on, and have often argued violently about, is the desirability of Disney and Disney-related products. So, sorry to be Scrooge McDuck on this one, but I think Disney is Scrooge McLAME.
So, here are five things I don't understand about Disney. What's the deal with . . .
1) Donald Duck Orange Juice? I'm distrustful of ducks in the first place, what with all that quacking, so I'm not going to rely on an autistic one for my Vitamin C needs. I will, however, rely on Mickey Mouse for my ice cream truck needs, because if you've ever bought one of those Mickey Mouse tranks from an ice cream truck, you know that his chocolate ears are beyond delicious.
2) Second rate Disney animated classics? Ok, look, I'll spot you The Lion King, Aladdin, the Little Mermaid as legitimate box-office hits. And I'm sure there was a generation to which stories about mistreated circus elephants or coal-mining mono-emotional dwarves resonated deeply. But somewhere after the Lion King, it began clear that Disney animators began to rest on their laurels. C'mon guys. Tarzan? Mulan? Cool World? You call these animated classics? I've animated better classics blindfolded, using only my left hand, and with something stuck in my shoe.
3) Space Mountain? I went on this ride at Disney World when I was 6. I had been excited to go on it because at the time I wanted to be an astronaut (since basically as a 6 year old boy my other career options were fireman and baseball player). However, the ride was too much for me to handle, and my mom reminded me that if I wanted to be an astronaut, my outer space travels would likely be more uncomfortable than Space Mountain. That is why to this day the closest thing to a theme park ride that I will get on is that little subway between the Congressional office buildings and the capitol dome. It goes about 4 miles per hour, and the scariest thing you will see there is Congressman Jim Ramstad, who will likely be explaining to his top aides how much he hates zoos.
Oh which reminds me if I may digress for a moment . . . it is time to really take ownership of this zoo reform issue. Please call Congressman Ramstad this week at 202-225-2871and engage in the following dialogue: Minnesotan: "Good afternoon, Congressman Ramstad's office!" You: "Knock knock." Minnesotan: "Excuse me?" You: "It's a knock knock joke. Knock knock." Minnesotan (good naturedly humoring you): "Who's there?" You: "Zoo." Minnesotan: "Zoo-who?" You: "Zoo should know what Congressman Jim Ramstad's cowardice on the issue of zoo reform is doing to the American people!!"
4) Fantasia? Did you ever see Fantasia? That shit was wack.
5) The Disney Afternoon Cartoons? Specifically, what was the deal with one episode of Duck Tales I saw once, where Huey, Dewey, and Louie wanted their allowance early so they could buy a bike that was on sale only that Friday, so they tricked Scrooge into thinking that the day was actually Saturday, so Scrooge gave them their allowance, but he was so influential in Duckberg that everyone began thinking in the town began to think it was Saturday, so the guy who was selling the bike told them that the sale was over? No seriously, what was up with that? I remember they learned a valuable lesson, but I'm not sure I remember what that lesson was. It may have been "Don't loiter."
I think the sign that says "You Must be this tall to ride the ride" for Space Mountain means you must be exactly that tall and no taller, because otherwise you're sitting in that tiny car with your knees bent up so far they're practically touching your head and let me tell you, it's not very comfortable, especially if the ride gets STUCK and you're sitting there for longer than the recommended time of one minute and 30 seconds.
Posted by: Lauren | March 27, 2007 at 02:34 PM
When I was i think in 5th grade we went to Disney Land, and I was so afraid of roller coasters at the time that I did not go on Space Mountain. Looks like I made the right choice.
Also I think Donald Duck pees in the orange juice.
Posted by: KELLYq | March 27, 2007 at 05:12 PM
I like posts that start with my name! But I have never heard of Cool World. What is that??
Posted by: EmGusk | March 27, 2007 at 06:29 PM
Oh how I wish that you had illustrated your post with your drawings. It would've more than proved your argument for #2.
Posted by: the mayor | March 28, 2007 at 02:56 AM
"Cool World" is just a joke, and not really a funny one--it wasn't Disney. It was that weird half-animated movie in the early 90s that I'm sure I wasn't allowed to see. I was wondering if that was too obscure a reference . . .
Posted by: Jerome | March 28, 2007 at 09:19 AM