The Mayor's Weekly Address: This Message Is Brought to Elmo By the Letters "F" and "U"

When I was 10 years old I used to come home and watch PBS -- my love affair with public broadcasting started early. Though normally I watched only Square One and the occasional Ghost Writer, I tried to get home early enough so I could catch the tail end of Sesame Street. Eventhough Sesame Street was developmentally inappropriate for a fourth grader, I still liked to watch it because of the Jim Henson monsters, and because it made me feel nostalgic (a ridiculous way for a 10 year old to feel). Though I could write thousands of words on the likes of Snuffy and Cookie Monster, there are two monsters I must discuss here. One is Grover and the other is Elmo. One is the most shameful waste of felt and googly eyes to ever have a hand stuffed in its rear, while the other is up for canonization in the Catholic church.

If you guessed that Grover was a waste of felt then I have two suggestions for you: 1) go punch yourself in the face as punishment for being so inexcusably wrong AND for not reading the title; and  2) stop reading because man are you going to be disappointed with the rest of this post. Grover is amazing. He is everything Elmo is not -- articulate, selfless, funny, and blue. He used to be the man on Sesame Street, but then one day in the early 90s there appeared a little, red upstart with a voice that could make God impotent.

And because apparently everyone born after 1990 is a moron, little children love him. My poor, lovable furry friend Grover got kicked to the curb (Read here for the behind-the-scenes story). Why is this??How could anyone prefer Elmo of all monsters over any of the other, far superior Sesame Street characters? Elmo is ruining the youth of America, and I think I'm just the person to expose Elmo for the jerk that he is.

Elmo is obsessed with himself. He definitely makes the top 5 list of celebrities who are so conceited they can barely function (Oprah is number 2). I mean seriously the little red bastard starts every sentence with his name -- what's that about? He speaks correctly and has no problem using any other subjective pronouns so why can't he learn to use the word "I"? It's obviously because he has an inflated sense of self. No wonder so many young people are narcissists -- they spent their preschool days looking up to this red douche bag.

What's worse, he's Un-American. Why do you think Elmo's red? It's because he's secretly communist. Elmo is also corrupt. Did you know that Elmo was called to testify in front of Congress by Randy "Duke" Cunningham? That's right, Elmo's in bed with a bribe-taker. I bet if we probed deeper into his past we would probably discover that Elmo was actually the White House source who leaked Valerie Plame's name, and that he misled the CIA about weapons of mass destruction.

But these offenses are nothing compared to the plague Elmo has unleased on America in the form of rotten entertainment. Every year for the past 10 years, Elmo has been the basis for the Christmas season's most fought over and obnoxious talking toy (which is saying something since there are talking Bratz dolls). Tickle-Me Elmo and its hellish offshoots have taught children to be greedy consumerists and to tickle, two wonderful habits to encourage in pre-schoolers. And with his latest toy ("TMX" Elmo), Elmo seems to be teaching children that it's acceptable to laugh at people having seizures. And though I can probably think of a few times I've found epilepsy funny, it's not an example that should be set for children.

But his tickling antics only scratch the surface of his sick and twisted toy empire. Elmo's coprophilia dominates just about everything he does. He has books, toys, a dvd and even an online game about using the potty. And sure you could argue that these are all meant to help parents potty-train their young children. But then I would point out that his book is scary! It asks children if they want to die. According to Elmo's wiki site, his potty training book was actually asking children "Who wants to try?" But don't believe the Elmo propagandists -- that monster had a Freudian slip and let kids know his true feelings. Elmo should at least have the decency to keep his homicidal feelings towards children to himself like the rest of us.

And his potty game is useless! It consists solely of Elmo over-sharing about his urge to use the bathroom. That is not a game, that is an afternoon with my great grandmother. And the entire time he's laughing that blood-curdling laugh, which has been found to trigger migraines in humans and spontaneous abortions in lab rats.

If I haven't convinced you that Elmo is a jerk, then you are either Elmo's mom or stuck in a permenantly vegetative state. However, if at this time you are rightfully feeling angry at Elmo please quash your desire to destroy this red-felted devil (youtube has way too many clips like this video). There is no need to destroy Elmo physically. In the same way that Martin Luther King Jr. triumphed over racism and Gandhi triumphed over colonialism, we can peacefully overcome Elmo-ism. So put down the matches and the Chicken Dance Elmo,and calm your rage with this video of the greatest muppet ever, and next time you meet a little kid tell him he's an idiot if he likes Elmo.

"The Mayor's Weekly Address" runs every Thursday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Phylan]

The "Who Wants to Die" button is for when they shit themselves. Christ, learn some parenting.

[Tori]

My God, I LOVED "Square One," specifically "Mathnet."

When I was in 2nd grade, we had to create "All About Me" books, wherein we listed our hair color, our favorite food, etc. One of the pages was devoted to what we wanted to be when we grew up. I asked my teacher how to spell "math detective" and Mrs. Howard told me, "Tori, that's not a real job." What an a-hole! My dreams of becoming just like Detective Saturday were RUINED.

Tito and Rory, you guys were also in Mrs. Howard's class, weren't you?

[Rory Porkham]

Yeah, she was a real bitch of a woman

[EmGusk]

ohmygod this was my favorite post ever (slash you totally stole my idea) and i completely agree with you on all accounts. i also loooooved square one, esp. math net, even though it didn't help me one iota learning my muliplication tables. also do you remember the "nine nine nine, fantastic number nine, whatever number you can find, it all comes back to nine" song? it rocked. also i am possibly the biggest sesame street fan who's not either a toddler or a parent and i share the same feeling about elmo. have you watched the travesty that is "elmo's world?" it's terrible. also, i totally appriciate that super grover vid. thankssss