The Class Menagerie

Welcome to the Washington National Legal Scholar Zoo!  Today we'll be exploring some of the fauna that you can see at any large American law school.  A word of warning:  Do not feed the law students.  They bite. 

Come join us over at our first exhibit, the panther cage.

THE PANTHER
This lone predator is one of the more dangerous animals in the park.  Their work ethic is nearly unmatched in the entire zoo.  They are masters of camouflage.  The panther will never be spotted at social events, and it is rare to see one studying out in the open.  They much prefer to spend nearly all of their waking hours ensconced in their room, reading and reviewing.  You will never see a panther raising their hand in class, and if they, by some misfortune, happen to get cold called, you will see quite a fight as the professor tries to pry information from it.  There are a number of panthers in each class, but due to their reclusive nature, it is hard to determine exactly how many.  Unfortunately, you will shocked at at their numbers when you get your grades back and think to yourself, "How the hell am I in the 18th percentile?  This is bullshit."

THE WOLF
Wolves, by contrast, are defined by their packs.  They form tight cliques, and are reluctant to admit any new members.  These animals study in groups, sit together, eat together, share all their notes, and look out for each other.  They proofread cover letters and resumes for the other members of the pack.  They possess an incestuous herd mentality, and the males and females within a wolf pack often switch partners throughout the course of a year.  Alcohol and spite generally fuel these escapades.   When threatened by an outsider, the wolves use their collective efforts to spread rumors and talk shit.

THE BLOWFISH
This is one of the more curious species in the park.  They have honed their public speaking skills, and are probably on mock trial, moot court, ADR, or all three.  These fish are easily spotted in class, and they thrive on the attention.  Blowfish always raise their hand, volunteering every single day and sometimes more often.  Their lengthy diatribes often begin, "Well, I think that..."  This is a cue for the rest of the class to start playing text twist, or AIMing each other about what a douchebag the blowfish is.  Do not be threatened by the inflated classroom presence of blowfish; they are actually B-minus students.

THE APE
These primates are regarded as one of the more attractive species in the park, and they spend hours primping themselves to achieve their desired appearance.  In a given week, it is not uncommon for a female ape to spend more hours on the treadmill than at the library.  Male apes are more commonly spotted by the free weights.  Both males and females are always well-groomed and well-dressed; neither sex would ever deign to be seen in a hoodie or a pair of jeans that cost less than a hundred bucks.  Most apes are well aware of their appearance, and because of this, will only express interest in  other apes.  When mating, the male (clad in a form-fitting polo shirt) will approach the female (holding a designer bag) with an offer of binge drinking.  The female, whether interested in this male or not, will accept.  Both will proceed to drink too much and make bad decisions.  This process occurs on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Tuesday.  While one would think that this social lifestyle would be a burden on the apes' academic efforts, it has surprisingly little effect.

THE PEACOCK
This bird attempts to attract friends with its grand display of plumage.  Whether it was the prestigious Capitol Hill internship, or a sweet firm job already lined up, the peacock cannot help but brag about its accomplishments.  Ironically, this boasting deters most would-be companions.  Distraught by this, the peacock applies for clerkships, just for fun.

THE HYENA
Some of the most reviled animals in the zoo, the hyenas are quite adapt scavengers.  They thrive on the hard work of others.  They constantly miss class, and have no qualms about asking even their most remote acquaintances for notes.  If there is a brief due, they will ask people for their case list, you know, just to compare.  During finals crunch time, they seek to abuse the good nature of a wolf pack and try to get themselves invited to study groups.  They will show up to the group, without having read, and seek to soak up whatever information they can.   While rarely rising above average with their below average work ethic, they enjoy great success at corporate law firms.

D.C.  writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Tuesday mornings.  You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.

Sorry about the late post today.  The blog site went down last night for updates.

Comments

[Lauren]

Haha, fine work. Which are you?

[D.C.]

I'm mostly a blowfish. Very inflated sense of self, it's true.

[Inactive account]

I don't fit in any of these categories. I am truly special and one-of-a-kind (as Tori can attest)

[the mayor]

Why don't panthers like to talk in class?

[Tori]

"I am truly special and one-of-a-kind (as Tori can attest)."

Greg, did I miss something? Are we dating now?

[D.C.]

Panthers don't talk because they don't like attention. They prefer to stay behind the scenes and get a 3.8. Picture your stereotypical demure Asian girl. You've never heard her speak, or seen her out, and you wouldn't immediately recognize that she's even in your school, but when it's said and done you know that she's in the top 10 in the class.

[Inactive account]

If we're dating, I must have missed something as well.

Also, the Chinese female students I am friends with are not "Panthers".

[the mayor]

Ahh I see. What kind of lawyering can they do if they don't like to talk? Please note here that my understanding of the world of law is limited to Law and Order and what I can recall from the OJ Simpson trial.

[D.C.]

I venture to say that 90% of lawyering involves sitting in a room, alone, reading and writing. The other 10% is what you see on TV.

[Inactive account]

I can't watch lawyer shows on TV since I entered law school.

[Caitlar]

Are you implying that fictional TV shows do not realistically portray the professions they depict? Why that's a ridiculous claim.

[KELLYq]

As an avid fan of Law and Order Reruns, I wonder which one Jack McCoy is