This is Going to Offend People

Uh oh, here comes the feminist.  She's going to find some way to blame the end of the world on men.  Fear not!  I have opted against going that route.  For a long time, the working title of this post was "The Apocalypse: Entirely the Fault of Men," but I just didn't have any material to support such a claim.  Men's past actions have certainly resulted in some serious screw-ups (e.g. the War in Iraq, the airing of the MTV program "I Love New York"), but, amazingly enough, this time men are in the clear.  In actuality, the apocalypse is much more likely to be the fault of women, and not just any women - staunchly feminist women.  Why?

The allure of lesbianism.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: lesbians are actively recruiting (and this will bring forth the apocalypse).

Once on "Ellen," it was stipulated that "Lesbian Headquarters" awards toaster ovens to women who are particularly successful at recruiting new members into the gay community.  As far as I know, this is not actually the case.  But tangible incentives are far from necessary as a means of convincing lesbians that they should recruit.  What can a toaster do for you?  That appliance serves no purpose beyond rendering Pop Tarts marginally more tasty than they would be if eaten straight out of the box.  When a new lesbian is recruited, however, the recruiter gets to have sex with that woman.  This strikes me as far greater motivation to recruit than a toaster oven.  You might have to eat your Pop Tarts straight out of the box, but you also get to eat out of another box, if you get my drift.  (I'm guessing you did, in fact, get my drift and are consequently horrified, but please, continue reading.)   

Alice of Showtime's "The L Word" once noted, "Most women are straight . . . until they're not."

Admittedly, it would be enormously inaccurate to classify "The L Word" as a realistic depiction of contemporary lesbian life.  The vast majority of real women who actively espouse a lesbian identity do not look at all like person A and instead bear far too striking a resemblance to person B.  Also, with the notable exception of Bette, the women of "the L word" never appear to have to do any work.  And last time I checked, just "being a lesbian" doesn't pay the bills.  (And, believe me, I've checked.  For the past five months, my lone source of income has in fact been "being a lesbian" and it has not been working out.)

That aside, Alice's comment is precisely the sort of thing I can imagine a real, live lesbian saying (if real, live lesbians ever said things while wearing designer skirts).  I have honestly never in my life heard one lesbian dissuade another from pursuing a romantic interest on the basis that the romantic interest in question was heterosexual.  Lesbians simply don't believe in heterosexuality.  The notion that it could be an immutable fact for any given woman is granted slightly less credence than the plot of "Jurassic Park" and slightly more credence than the Easter Bunny.

The thing is, just about every lesbian has dated a "straight girl" at some point.  Hell, just about every lesbian was a "straight girl" at some point.  (Me?  Not only was I was straight for a substantial portion of the late '90s, I have been known to revert to straight-dom when a.) drunk, b.) vacationing in Hawaii, and/or c.) in the presence of my grandmother.)  Point being, for most lesbians, past experience dictates that so-called "straight" women are simply (and delusionally) biding their time until a dyke in shining armor comes to rescue them from the confines of their restrictive, culturally-imposed heterosexuality.  Alerting the world to the glories of girl-on-girl action is viewed by many to be a truly noble cause and, consequently, lesbians pursue straight chicks with the fervor of Mormons on a mission.  (Come to think of it, lesbians are a lot like Mormon missionaries, except that instead of wanting to perform electroshock therapy on people with deviant sexual interests, lesbians want to perform cunnilingus on people with deviant sexual interests.  Also, lesbians don't often wear name tags.)       

The lesbian recruitment process follows a simple script.  The lesbian on-the-prowl will sidle on up to a woman (preferably a woman who laments that her boyfriend "just doesn't understand her needs") and will show off her spectacular listening skills.  Lesbians really hoping to score might even emit the traditional lezzy mating call (i.e. initiate a conversation about the profound beauty of nature).  A lot of feelings will be exchanged and eventually it will be decided that feelings are better exchanged naked.  Then a diversity of herbal teas will be consumed, the previously-straight-identified woman will discontinue shaving her armpits, and, eventually, babies of indeterminate ethnicity and/or excessive numbers of cats will be adopted.

Right now, the liberal-minded amongst you are probably thinking, "sounds well and good to me" and the dirty-minded amongst you are probably thinking about two chicks going at it.  But I bring up this matter not to expand the boundaries of liberalism, nor to arouse.  If you'll recall, we're addressing the apocalypse here.  The thing is (and this is probably news to many of you) lesbian sex does not a baby make.  And in order for the world's population to flourish, babies must be made.  If every woman on earth becomes a lesbian, the apocalypse will in fact be upon us!

Assuming you're not still fantasizing about girl-on-girl action, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Come on, there may be some crafty lesbian recruiters out there, but certainly we're not at risk of having every woman on earth go vagitarian, at least not at any point in the near future."  Well, if you're living in denial that profound, I can only assume it's because you have not yet seen THIS PHOTO:

   

Yes, that is Lindsay Lohan and yes, she is kissing another woman (fashion maven Donna Karan, to be precise).  Here's the thing: Lindsay Lohan is really f'n hot.  Under normal circumstances, it would indeed take lesbians a very long time to convert all the world's women and initiate the apocalypse.  But now that Lindsay's gone lesbo, women are going to be trading teams like there's no tomorrow.  (And there really will be no tomorrow once every woman makes the switch!  Well, there'll be a tomorrow and a day after that, but eventually all the old lady lesbians will die off sans progeny and the world will come to an end.) 

So what can be done?  Well, nothing.  The trend is irreversible.  Once you go lez, you can never go back.  Actually, that's a blatant lie.  (And my senior year of college serves as an excellent case study.)  But that's not the point.  The point is that I encourage all of you to simply accept and enjoy the impending Lesbian Apocalypse.  Because, and I think this is something we can all agree on, an apocalypse full of boobies sounds a hell of a lot more fun than an apocalypse full of brimstone. 

"Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons.  You can read more about Tori here.

Comments

[the mayor]

I feel that you have left out one crucial point about the allure of lesbianism: that it allures men as well. Men won't care that the apocalypse will occur because they shall all be too busy fantasizing about lesbians sex.

[KELLYq]

additionally, you get to share clothes with a girl

[KELLYq]

additional draws:
- wardrobe & shoe collection doubles if you pair with someone of similar size
- no pee on the floor in the bathroom

[Tito J. Willoughby]

One time I thought I saw a dyke in shining armor, but it turned out to just a cataract.

[Lauren McMahon]

Tori, I am indeed VERY offended by this article; namely, by your claim that toasters improve the taste of Pop Tarts only, and I quote, "marginally." This is perhaps the single biggest insult to me and my beliefs that I have ever had to endure.

Since you have provoked my ire I have no choice but to expose a glaring logical flaw with your argument. See, by even slightly acknowledging the feasibility of the plot of Jurassic Park (which I presume includes sequels), you are also welcoming the plot development in which the female dinosaurs on the island mutated into a pseudo-male state and were rendered able to reproduce with the other females. This would divert your Lesbian Apocalypse.

[Phylan]

It's because they spliced the gaps in the Dinosaur DNA with gender-morphing toad DNA you ignorant jerk >:-(

[Lauren]

OK I BELIEVE that the POINT Mr. Crichton was TRYING to MAKE is that LIFE FINDS A WAY.

[Phylan]

Also this will be a grand irony for the fundamentalist Christians who thought the rapture would be brought on by Jesus.

[Inactive account]

Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts are the nectar of the gods (they're not liquid, but you get the idea).

[Kate]

Tori, I almost just peed all over my flannel. That was probably the most glorious article ever written on the Apocalypse. I'll take boobies (what a ridiculous word) over brimstone anyday.

[Kew GaRDENS LESBO]

i want babies even though i love women, so i'll keep converting straight women without any fear of an apocalypse!