The Bathtub

Support the Zoo Reform Act or the Terrorists Win

Talk to any American about issues that affect him or her, and you'll undoubtedly hear the same concerns over and over. Anxiety about adjusting to a rapidly globalizing economy. Unease about America's role in a dangerous world. The need to balance a progressive social climate and to hold on to traditional values that our parents taught us. These are all important concerns; unfortunately, they have nothing to do with the topic I am proposing today: Zoo reform.

Just because your average Jerome Schmo (or his hillbilly brother, Jerome Sixpack) doesn't talk about zoo reform doesn't mean that it isn't of paramount importance to our nation to get our zoos up to snuff. Consider this quote from Ben Franklin: "If I find out that in 200 years or so our zoos have fallen into substandard form, I will literally shit myself in my grave." Or this one from Alexander Hamilton: "Hee hee hee look at that monkey!"

My point, I guess, is that our zoos are great, but we're Americans dammit, and I'll be damned if we don't have the most kick-ass zoos in the world. Which is why I urge you to call your Congressman and urge him to introduce Jerome's Zoo Reform Act, the gist of which I present to you after the jump. (Maybe I can get D.C. to actually write the legalise.)

How to Have Fun at the National Zoo

Zoos I have been to: 3

• Henry Vilas Zoo, Madison WI
• North Carolina Zoological Park, Asheboro, NC
• Smithsonian National Zoological Park, Washington, DC

Number of times I have been to the National Zoo: 23 at least
I have been to the national zoo I don't know how many times. At least once a year.  It's right there on the red line, it's free, you don't have to be 18 to go there, and there's popcorn. I usually take people from out of town to the zoo. I know the difference between the Olmstead Walk and that other one, I know where the Invertebrate House is, and one time I saw a giraffe give birth. So I'm pretty much an expert.

I know that some of you out there don't like zoos. I understand your misgivings. There are lots of obstacles at the zoo. But lucky for you, I am not only aware of the obstacles, I have solutions that can work for your everyday life. Read on to find my tips for enjoying the National Zoo!

The Class Menagerie

Welcome to the Washington National Legal Scholar Zoo!  Today we'll be exploring some of the fauna that you can see at any large American law school.  A word of warning:  Do not feed the law students.  They bite. 

Come join us over at our first exhibit, the panther cage.

Carl Linnaeus is a Dumb Jerk

At the zoo, you'll hear all sorts of fuss and nonsense about how animals are categorized. But the system of kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species that Linnaeus crapped out is totally inadequate. There are MANY things that you can see at the zoo that don't fit into this antiquated taxonomy. Read on for the definitive answer to all of your classificatory questions, as provided by the Douglassian Taxonomy.

A Biological Primer on the Biology of, Um, Animal Biology

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I took AP Biology in high school.  Double period AP Biology.  That, coupled with the fact that I am the first post of the week here at The Bathtub and my column revolves around providing information, led me to realize that I am the ideal person to brief you on a topic that will come up again and again during Zoo Week here on the blog: animals.

Theme for the Week of 2/26: The Zoo

Ever since God created the earth exactly 5,000 years ago next Wednesday, man has yearned to trap nature and put in on display. Hence, zoos. The first zoos were very rudimentary and barely even had animals. However, thanks to developments in zoo techology, they now frequently feature not only animals, but fun stuff such as tire swings, or in the case of a hippo I saw at the zoo recently, an enormous rubber ball that he couldn't quite get his mouth around. You know, stuff they'd find in their natural habitat. It's the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiife!

So, while we've dealt with some hard-hitting topics here in The Bathtub, such as Introductions and President's Day, I've found that Jerome's people don't want to deal with such controversial subjects. No, Jerome's people want to discuss something we can all enjoy--a nice day at the zoo. Who doesn't like that, other than the elderly? So close your eyes, inhale, and smell that elephant-house smell, as The Bathtub tackles the Zoo as this week's theme. It's feeding time.

My Big Fat Feminist Tuesday

Much like The Mayor, I headed south for Mardi Gras this year.  Unlike The Mayor, I didn’t venture all the way down to New Orleans.  Instead, I stopped just short of Bourbon Street in Snowshoe, West Virginia – home of the top-rated ski resort in the southeast (now there’s a claim to fame) and hideous grammatical errors.

Given the fact that I’m technically “vacationing” right now, I could cop out like The Mayor and simply post two scrawny paragraphs accompanied by some tit; however, The Mayor’s brief words seem to have earned her zero comments, and I totally don’t want to look that un-popular.  (Additionally, whether jobless wastes-of-space such as myself really have the right to employ the term “vacationing” is debatable.  My “vacation” is only different from my daily life insofar as the sales tax is slightly higher on all the items I can’t afford, but purchase nonetheless.)

Anyway, point of the story, in spite of having wandered off from my home state, I shan't deny you my stunning prose.  I don't have the time to assemble an argument in favor of a woman taking on the Presidency (though it is worth noting that Hillary has a definitive lack of facial hair), but I do have time to share with you my feminist musings on the marvel that is Mardi Gras.

Lump Sat Alone in A Boggy Marsh*

I tried to figure out some cute connection or trivia tidbit for this week, but I really couldn't pass up the opportunity to come up with some real presidential trivia.  So I hope you like my dorky trivia and that you learn a little bit too.  Because I definitely did.  There's even some presidential hemorrhoid trivia.  Seriously.  Enjoy!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

*For those of you who don't remember the Presidents of the USA (the band), this is a great song and you should probably go and grab the album, dust it off, and put that on your iPod, because it's really good and I think you'll enjoy it.  Dune buggy.

That made a mocracy of demockery!

I love Presidents' Day. PD gives us all so much to celebrate. For me, it was mainly not having to go to work and instead living vicariously through my teenage sisters as they tried on prom gowns. For many, however, PD is a time to reflect on nearly 231 years of democracy, a day when we Americans can pat ourselves on the back for a job well done "electing" almost 43 old, Christian, white men with no facial hair (which my fellow Tubbies have already pointed out).

But what many people do not realize is that all across America everyday, there are tiny democracies in bloom.  Only in America can a kid without a cent get a break and maybe grow up to be President. Of course if you're poor you can't be President of the United States. But your peers can certainly band together in forced extra-curricular action to vote for the coolest/least embarrassed kid to stand up in front an auditorium and talk about themselves and their vision for no homework and water fountains that shoot out soda. This is, of course. my favorite breed of President, the Class President.

Dumb Little Bastards

This theme was kind of a bitch. For one thing, there was no chance in hell I was going to find a Mardi Gras video to post. Every idiot and their idiot mother has put up some thirty-second, shakily recorded nightmare of a video with no discernible audio that basically shows a bunch of people drunkenly milling around in the French Quarter; none have any unique value for YouTube viewers, but for the soul-drained fraternity brothers who posted them, they are the only commemoration besides Gonorrhea of their Mardi Gras in New Orleans. These miserable specimens, along with 90% of the rest of YouTube's content, would never have found their way to the internet if someone, somewhere along the line, had asked themselves, "Who the hell would want to watch this?" Besides all this, there is also the simple fact that no Mardi Gras video worth watching would be suitable for your sterile, passionless place of work (your boss's scat fetish aside). President's Day it is, then.