The Bathtub

Old Bay Is Delicious

Try me on crabs, shrimp, or french fries!

Reasonable Doubt: This is the end. For real for real. I think.

I have something to say.  I thought that I could just stop writing a couple weeks ahead of schedule and no one would notice, but now that I've sat on my ass all day after waking up around 1 PM, I guess there are things left unsaid.  I like closure, so I'm gonna give myself some.  There isn't all that much to say, but here it goes.

Saying Goodbye, Porkham Style

A handshake? A firm emotional hug? Wishing someone all the best? No thanks, that’s how douchebags and Brits say goodbye. Rory Porkham burns bridges. Recipients of a good ole fashion Porkham farewell should consider themselves lucky if I bid them ado without a swift kick in the balls/vag. 

I have to admit that I’m pretty ashamed to have been associated with the substandard swill being offered up by my fellow Bathtub contributors. I hate to single any one person out, it was all such shit. Even worse are the loyal Bathtub readers who wasted their valuable time reading this crap. What a bunch of worthless suckers. 

I can’t believe that I left my position as the head of the New York Times editorial board for this. 

Wishing you all the worst in this new year, good riddance to the Bathtub, and go fuck yourselves everyone.

Porkham out!

Last. Bathtub. Post. Ever.

There is shockingly little to be done in order to end a blog--nothing to clean, no papers to sign, no doves to release.  This is a huge contrast to, say, middle school graduation, when it was mandatory to get a haircut, sign yearbooks, and listen to Green Day's "Time of Your Life" on repeat for six hours.

In fact, the only thing I need to do to officially end this blog is to stop typing this paragraph.  I'll do that . . . now.

Signing off,

Lauren and the rest of the Tubtributors

Men in Cages: A Brief Listing of Updates on Topics I Once Blogged About

So, I was really psyched about the possibility of providing everyone with a massive end-of-tub update on my life, wherein I would alert you to the current status of everything that was once discussed in my posts.  I was going to tell you about my fabulous match.com girlfriend and my brother’s haircut and all sorts of other wonderful changes that have come to pass in the world of Tori.  Unfortunately, I still don’t have a fabulous girlfriend, my brother’s hair is still atrocious, and my life is really quite similar to how it was a few months ago.  Nonetheless, I'm going to do my best to provide updates anyway.

Emily's Trivia Quiz: Good Night

Thanks for hanging out these past few months (years?).  It was enjoyable to quiz you guys on erudite and odd trivia and kept me thinking, even when I wasn't in school.  Thanks for giving me another nerd outlet, and I'm glad that I got to share useless information (that somehow is always useful).  Since this sounds like a farewell speech, I've decided that for the last day we'll have a quiz on famous goodbyes...Enjoy!

KELLYq & a: Smell Ya Later

Usually, when saying good bye, I can lean on one of these trusty phrases:

- So long, stinktown!
- Smell ya later
- See you in hell, Candy Boys!
- Say What?!?!

But other times, like this one, call for a more formal farewell. I know that some of the other tubbers are going to have some trouble saying goodbye to the tub. To help them, and to help you when you're in trouble, I've created a simple worksheet to help you draft your thoughts when saying goodbye to someone. Enjoy!

Too Much Information: Final Thoughts Before We Drain the Tub

Merry Christmas!  If you happen to be reading this post today, it's probably because you're Jewish.  I'll keep it brief so you can get back to your Chinese takeout food.

The Mayor's Weekly Address: All Blogs Must Come to an End

Blogs are fleeting -- people begin and quit all the time.  We're quitting because we don't want the Bathtub to go down the drain, so to speak. Best to just get out of the bathroom entirely. So, This is the day I say goodbye. Generally I think that the best goodbyes are quick -- drawing things out only delays the inevitable. With this in mind, I say, so long Bathtub. So, goodbye Buddy Love, KELLYq's dad, Emgusk's mom, and Gorg-o. Sally Jesse, I think I'll miss you most of all. It's been nice having people occasionally read what I write. If you ever get nostalgic, you can read over my rants and EBay reviews. Also, you can read the blog to which I sporadically post.

Nerdish Leanings: The Soul of Wit

I'm just too choked up to even begin writing a farewell post. So, I've asked everybody's favorite automaton, Clanky the Robot, to do it for me.